Humor Page: work

When we were looking to buy property I had this over zealous realtor show us what can only be described as a totally worn- out old farm. I mean the land had just been worked to death. The weeds were hardly even growing.

The smiling super salesman said, "Now really, all this land needs is a little water, a nice cool breeze and some good people."

I replied, "Yeah, I agree, but couldn't the same be said of Hell?"

A large, well established, Canadian lumber camp advertised that they were looking for a good Lumberjack. The very next day, a skinny little man showed up at the camp with his axe, and knocked on the head lumberjacks' door. The head lumberjack took one look at the little man and told him to leave.

"Just give me a chance to show you what I can do," said the skinny man.

"Okay, see that giant redwood over there?" said the lumberjack. "Take your axe and go cut it down."

The skinny man headed for the tree, and in five minutes he was back knocking on the lumberjack's door. "I cut the tree down," said the man.

The lumberjack couldn't believe his eyes and said, "Where did you get the skill to chop down trees like that?"

"In the 'Sahara Forest'," replied the puny man.

"You mean the 'Sahara Desert'," said the lumberjack.

The little man laughed and answered back, "Oh sure, that's what they call it now!"

Top signs telling You Don't Have A Good Secretary

• She has a hard time alphabetizing a bag of M&Ms.
• She doesn't get the hang of Post-it Notes.
• You have to frequently scrape White-Out off her computer monitor.
• At the board meeting for which she is recording the minutes, she stops the proceedings to ask, "What did fatso say?"
• She staples her thumbs together more frequently than once a week.
• Types 60 words per minute ... but not in English.
• She wears White-Out for nail polish.

A man went into a company to apply for a job. After filling out all of his applications, he waited anxiously for the outcome.

The employer read all his applications and said, "We have an opening for people like you."

"Oh, great," he said, "What is it?"

"It's called the door!"

Several weeks after a young man had been hired, he was called into the personnel director's office. "What is the meaning of this?" the director asked. "When you applied for this job, you told us you had five years experience. Now we discovered this is the first job you've ever held."

"Well," the young man replied "in your advertisement you said you wanted somebody with imagination."

A man sees in the street two workers performing the following procedure: The first one is digging a ditch, and the second one, a few feet behind is covering the ditch with the the sand that was just dug out.

After watching them for a while he could not resist his curiosity and he went to ask them what they are doing and what was the goal in their work.

"This is very simple, mister" said one of the workers. "Usually we are a team of three: One digs, the other puts communication cable into the ditch and the third one covers it. Unfortunately, the guy who puts the cables into the ditch is sick today, so we are doing the best we can."

NEW EMPLOYEE EQUAL OPPORTUNITY BENEFIT PLAN

In the past, employees were permitted to make trips to the restroom under informal guidelines. Effective June 1, a restroom Trip Policy will be established to provide a consistent method of accounting for each employee's restroom time and to ensure equal treatment of all employees.

Under this policy a "Restroom Trip Bank" (RTB) will be established for each employee. The first day of each month, employees will be given a restroom Trip Credit (RTC) of 20. RTC's can be accumulated from month to month. Absenteeism will be prorated accordingly.

Currently the entrances to all restrooms are being equipped with personnel identification stations and computer-linked voice-print recognition. During the next two weeks, each employee must provide two copies of voice prints (one normal, one under stress) to Personnel.

The voice-print recognition stations will be operational, but not restrictive, for the month of June. Employees should acquaint themselves with the stations during this period.

If an employee's restroom Trip Bank balance reaches zero, the doors to all restrooms will not unlock for that employee's voice until the first of the next month.

In addition, all restroom stalls are being equipped with timed paper-roll retractors. If the stall is occupied for more then three minutes, an alarm will sound. Thirty seconds after the alarm, the rolls of paper in the stall will retract, the toilet will flush and the stall door will open.

Remember: This service is being made possible for your convenience and to serve you better.

Direct all questions and concerns to your manager.

Isn't it appropriate that the month of the tax begins with April Fool's Day and ends with cries of "May Day!" ?

On his weekly visit to the general store in a small Idaho town, a farmer asked the grizzled proprietor for some dynamite to blast a few stumps from his fields. As the old-timer was getting the dynamite from the shelf, the farmer asked if he could have it put on his bill. "Well, friend," the proprietor said, "have you ever use this stuff before?"

"Why no, this will be the first time," the farmer replied.

"Then," said the old-timer, "I'm afraid I'll have to ask you to pay cash."

A fellow goes to a furniture store to apply for work. When he arrives he sees several others in line ahead of him. So instead of just sitting around waiting his turn, he starts selling furniture. By the time his interview turn came around, he'd sold over $2600 of furniture. He was hired on the spot.

Corporate Physical Fitness Program
Notice: Our company requires no further physical fitness programs. Everyone gets enough exercise:

• jumping to conclusions,
• flying off the handle,
• beating around the bush,
• running down the boss,
• going around in circles,
• dragging their feet,
• dodging responsibility,
• passing the buck,
• climbing the ladder,
• wading through paperwork,
• pulling strings,
• throwing their weight around,
• stretching the truth,
• bending the rules,
• and pushing their luck!

"How many are there working at your office?"
"About one third."

"For how long have you been working at that office?"
"Ever since they threatened to fire me."

How do you spell boss backwards?
Double S.O.B.

How To Weird Up Your Boss A Little

• Start showing up early for work.
• Put a different name on his door.
• Super glue one wheel of his chair.
• Loosen the handles on the drawers of his desk.
• Transfer his calls to security
• Unadjust the horizontal hold on his computer terminal.
• Transfer everybody's phone calls to his phone.

Dictionary Of Employment Want Ads Terminology

• Energetic self-starter: You'll be working on commission.
• Entry level position: We will pay you the lowest wages allowed by law.
• Experience required: We do not know the first thing about any of this.
• Fast learner: You will get no training from us.
• Flexible work hours: You will frequently work long overtime hours.
• Good organizational skills: You'll be handling the filing.
• Make an investment in you future: This is a franchise or a pyramid scheme.
• Management training position: You'll be a salesperson with a wide territory.
• Must be able to lift 50 pounds: We offer no health insurance or chiropractors.
• Opportunity of a lifetime: You will not find a lower salary for so much work.
• Planning and coordination: You book the bosses travel arrangements.
• Quick problem solver: You will work on projects months behind schedule already.
• Strong communication skills: You will write tons of documentation and letters.

Dictionary of Performance Evaluation Comments

Some of you might like to know what the supervisor is really saying in all those glowing employee work performance evaluations s/he keeps cranking out.

• Accepts new job assignments willingly: Never finishes a job.
• Active socially: Drinks heavily.
• Alert to company developments: An office gossip.
• Approaches difficult problems with logic: Finds someone else to do the job.
• Consults with co-workers often: Indecisive, confused, and clueless.
• Consults with supervisor often: Pain in the ass.
• Displays excellent intuitive judgement: Knows when to disappear.
• Happy: Paid too much.
• Hard worker: Usually does it the hard way.
• Identifies major management problems: Complains a lot.
• Indifferent to instruction: Knows more than superiors.
• Internationally know: Likes to go to conferences and trade shows in Las Vegas.
• Is well informed: Knows all office gossip and where all the skeletons are kept.
• Inspires the cooperation of others: Gets everyone else to do the work.
• Keen sense of humor: Knows lots of dirty jokes.
• Keeps informed on business issues: Subscribes to Playboy and National Enquirer.
• Listens well: Has no ideas of his own.
• Not a desk person: Did not go to college.
• Use all available resources: Takes office supplies home for personal use.
• Quick thinking: Offers plausible excuses for errors.
• Spends extra hours on the job: Miserable home life.
• Strong adherence to principles: Stubborn.
• Takes advantage of every opportunity to progress: Buys drinks for superiors.
• Very creative: Finds 22 reasons to do anything except original work.

To: All Employees
Subj: Restroom Policy

In the past, employees have been permitted to make trips to the restroom under informal guidelines. Effective January 1, 1997, a Restroom Trip Policy will be established to provide a more consistent method of accounting for each employee's restroom time and ensuring equal treatment of employees.

Under the policy, a "Restroom Trip Bank" will be established for each employee. The first day of each month, employees will be given a Restroom Trip credit of twenty-five (25) trips. Restroom Trip credits can be accumulated from month to month.

Within two weeks, the entrances to all restrooms will be equipped with personnel identification stations and computer linked voice print recognition devices. Before the end of December, each employee must provide two copies of voice prints (one normal and one under stress) to the Material Department. The voice print recognition stations will be operational but not restrictive for the month of January. Employees should acquaint themselves with the station during that period.

If the employee's Restroom Bank balance reaches zero, the doors to the restroom will not unlock for that employee's voice until the first of the next month. In addition, all restroom stalls are being equipped with timed paper toll retractors. If the stall is occupied for more than three (3) minutes, an alarm will sound. Thirty (30) seconds after the alarm sounds the roll of paper will retract into the wall, the toilet will flush, and the stall door will open. If the stall remains occupied, your picture will be taken.

The picture will then be posted on the Distribution Center Bulletin Boards. Anyone's picture showing up three (3) times will be immediately terminated. If you have any questions about this policy, please ask your immediate supervisor. They have all received advance instruction.

Thank you and have a nice day,
Your Boss

The boss returned from lunch in a good mood and called the whole staff in to listen to a couple of jokes he had picked up. Everybody but one girl laughed uproariously. "What's the matter?" grumbled the boss. "Haven't you got a sense of humor?" "I don't have to laugh," she said. "I'm leaving Friday."

Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work.

"Boss", he said, " The pill actually worked !"

"That's all fine" said the boss, " But where were you yesterday?"

Two neighbors were talking about work, when one asked, "Say, why did the foreman fire you?"
Replied the second, "Well, you know how a foreman is always standing around and watching others do the work. My foreman got jealous. People started thinking I was the foreman."

Spotted in a recent "New Scientist" article on 'the paperless office':

A modern U.S. Navy cruiser now requires 26 tons of manuals. This is enough to affect the vessel's performance.

Fortune Magazine reported that some employees of Merrill Lynch's New York office were so incensed at its mailroom service a few years ago that they sent interoffice mail via Federal Express. "Memos were whisked from floor to floor via Memphis."

CEO problems

A fellow had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes. "Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve," he said.

Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and he was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wits's end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, "Blame your predecessor."

The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press - and Wall Street - responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him.

About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize." This he did, and the company quickly rebounded.

After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope.

The message said, "Prepare three envelopes."

HP and Motorola decided to have a boat race, on the Thames, following the famous Oxford vs Cambridge course. Both teams practiced hard, and came the big day, they were as ready as they could be. HP won by a mile.

Afterwards, the Motorola team were very downhearted, and a decision was made that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found, so a working party was set up to investigate and report.

Well, they had everybody on the working party, Sales, Systems Engineering, Marketing, Customer Education, Field Service, the whole lot, and after three months they came up with the answer, and the working party co-ordinator gave his summary presentation.

"The problem was", he said, "that HP had 8 people rowing and 1 steering, whereas we had 1 person rowing and 8 steering."

The working party was then asked to go away and come up with a plan to prevent a recurrence the following year, for Motorola's pride had been damaged, and another defeat was not wanted.

Two months later, the working party had worked out a plan, and the coordinator gave his (customarily brief) summary:

"The guy rowing has got to work harder"

A businessman was having a tough time lugging his lumpy, oversized travel bag onto the plane. Helped by a flight attendant, he finally managed to stuff it in the overhead bin. "Do you always carry such heavy luggage?" she sighed.

"No more," the man said. "Next time, I'm riding in the bag, and my partner can buy the ticket!"

About 15 customers had gathered their grocery items at a Safeway in Oxon Hill, Md., shortly after 10 A.M. on Christmas morning and were lined up at the checkout lanes, but no cashiers were on duty, and no one answered calls to the back of the store. Local police were called and, after investigating, found that the Christmas Eve crew had accidentally left the lights on and the doors unlocked, giving shoppers the impression that it was open.

A man was walking down the street one day and he saw a "Salesman Wanted" sign in a window. He went in the store the owner came out and said "Can I help you?"

"I'I'IIII w'w'waannnttt j'j'jjoooobbbb." said the man.

"I don't know if this job would suit you because of your speaking problem." said the owner.

"I'I'III h'h'avvee a'a'a wif'f'fe annd 6'6' k'k'ids a'a'ndd I'I n'neeeed th'th'e j'joobb." said the man.

"O.K. Here are three Bibles. Go out and sell them." said the owner.

So the man went out and came back an hour later. "H'here'sss your mm'money." said the man.

The owner was impressed, so he gave the man a dozen more Bibles and sent him out.

The man came back in two hours and said "H'here'sss your mm'money."

The owner said "This is fantastic. You sold more Bibles in three hours than anyone has sold in a week. Tell me, what do you say to the people when they come to the door?"

"W'welll" said the man, "III r'r'ing the d'd'oor b'b'ell a'a'nd s's'say 'M'M'aaddammm, d'd'o y'y'ou w'w'ant t'to b'buy t'this B'Bible o'o'rrr d'd'o y'you w'w'w'ant m'me t't'o read it to you?"

A door-to-door vacuum cleaner salesman manages to bull his way into a woman's home in outback Australia.

"This machine is the best ever" he exclaims, whilst pouring a bag of dirt over the lounge floor.

The woman says she's really worried it may not all come off, so the salesman says, "If this machine doesn't remove all the dust completely, I'll lick it off myself."

"Do you want ketchup on it?" she says, "only we're not connected for electricity yet!"

A traveling salesman stops at a gas station to pu. The restroom has two commodes and there's a guy already there using one of them. The two guys acknowledge each other and go about with their business. The salesman finishes first and, as he pulls his pants up, some change drops into the bowl. He looks at it, thinks for a moment and throws $50 bill into the bowl.

The other guy asks, "Why did you do that?"

The salesman goes "Don't expect to put my hand in there for 35 cents."

Paper Or Plastic?

And how about witty comebacks to that age old question, "Paper or Plastic?" Try this. Go to your local supermarket. Get a can of soup. Look for the most _clueless_ checker there (there will be one, guaranteed). When they ask if you want a bag for that, look absolutely horrified and respond, "No thanks, I think I'll keep it in the can!" or "Wow, do people _usually_ put their soup in a bag?". Buy a bag of chips. When they offer a bag, examine your chips and say, "No thanks, I think it comes with one."

Preemptive strike: before they can ask you, "paper or plastic," you ask them: "Paper or plastic?" "Duh..." Pull out a $20 bill and a credit card. Again repeat: "Paper or plastic??"

If you bought some laundry detergent, rat poison, or household cleansers, when they ask about a bag, reply, "No thanks, I'll eat it here."

A Sears department store advertisement for womens underwears reads:

"The perfect gift for that special woman in your life, or great to keep for yourself."

A despondent and mathematically challenged filer called IRS late on April 15th and queried thusly:

Caller: Ma'am, I have started filling out my 1040 EZ and I am getting a negative number? Does this mean I will get a refund?

IRS Ag: Sir, how is it that you are getting a negative number?

Caller: The form says 'subtract line 8 from line 7.' Isn't 7 minus 8 equal to -1?

A man who needed a secretary hung a sign in his window that said, "Secretary wanted to file and type. Must be bi-lingual."

Within a few minuted, a dog came trotting into his office with the sign in his mouth. At first the man was irritated that a dog had somehow gotten into the building, so he tried to shoo him away. The dog dropped the sign on the man's desk and said, "Woof, woof!"

The man gave him a puzzled look and said, "Don't tell me you're here about the secretary job!" The dog replied, "Woof, woof!" Skeptically, the man said, "OK, here! See if you can file these papers." The dog grabbed the papers in his mouth, and filed them correctly in just a few minutes, trotted back to the man's desk and said, "Woof, woof!"

The man was amazed, but not quite convinced, so he handed the dog some notes and said, "Here, see if you can type this up." The dog took the notes, typed up the paper, and dropped it on the man's desk with another "Woof, woof!"

The man said, "Well, I'm convinced you can do the job, but the sign says that you must be bi-lingual," to which the dog replied, "Meow!"

Recently saw an item in the L.A. Times' Life & Style section which noted that a reader wrote in about his nephew who had applied for a job. During the interview, the young man was asked if he would mind being bonded. "OK," he replied, "but no whips."

Q: Why are the flags at the Post Office at half staff?

A: They're hiring....

Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the Federal Aviation Administration, and it was shortly before Christmas when the FAA examiner arrived.

In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the reindeer. Santa got his logbook out and made sure all his paperwork was in order.

The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He check the reindeer harnesses, the landing gear, and Rudolf's nose. He painstakingly reviewed Santa's weight and balance calculations for sled's enormous payload.

Finally, they were ready for the checkride. Santa got in and fastened his seatbelt and shoulder harness and checked the compass. Then the examiner hopped in carrying, to Santa's surprise, a shotgun.

"What's that for?" asked Santa incredulously.

The examiner winked and said, "I'm not supposed to tell you this, but you're gonna lose an 'engine' on takeoff to see still how safe is your flight."

As part of "Reinventing Government" the US Postal Service has opened up a Web page. In it, they ask for suggestions and comments.

I wrote back, but the mail bounced.

At least it's not stuck in a truck.

A trucker pulls over to the side of the highway after 22 straight hours of driving, locks the doors and settles down for a few hours sleep. About an hour later there's a knock on his window. The driver opens his eyes grudgingly to see a biker. The biker is asking "Hey man, do you got the time?" to which the driver yells back "No! Sorry!" and settles back to sleep. An hour later there's another knock on the window and a different biker.

"X'cuse me, do you have the time?"

"No, go away!" and back to sleep again.

After the third time the driver makes up a sign that says 'I don't have the time' and pastes it on his window.

Sure enough, an hour later there's a knock on his window.

"WADDA WANT!?" the driver screams.

"No hassle man, just thought you'd like to know it's 10:30."

MEMORANDUM

From: Executive Vice President, Headquarters - New York To: General Managers

Next Thursday at 10:30 Halley's Comet will appear over this area. This is an event which occurs only once every 75 years. Notify all directors and have them arrange for all employees to assemble on the Company lawn and inform them of the occurrence of this phenomenon. If it rains, cancel the day's observation and assemble in the auditorium to see a film about the comet.

MEMORANDUM

From: General Manager
To: Managers

By order of the Executive Vice President, next Thursday at 10:30, Halley's Comet will appear over the Company lawn. If it rains, cancel the day's work and report to the auditorium with all employees where we will show films: a phenomenal event which occurs every 75 years.

MEMORANDUM

From: Manager
To: All Department Chiefs

By order of the phenomenal Vice President, at 10:30 next Thursday, Halley's Comet will appear in the auditorium. In case of rain over the Company lawn, the Executive Vice President will give another order, something which occurs only every 75 years.

MEMORANDUM

From: Department Chief
To: Section Chiefs

Next Thursday at 10:30 the Executive Vice President will appear in the auditorium with Halley's Comet, something which occurs every 75 years. If it rains, the Executive Vice President will cancel the comet and order us all out to our phenomenal Company lawn.

MEMORANDUM

From: Section Chief
To: All EA's

When it rains next Thursday at 10:30 over the Company lawn, the phenomenal 75 year old Executive Vice President will cancel all work and appear before all employees in the auditorium accompanied by Bill Halley and his Comets.

My local phone company, Pacific Bell, started printing phone bills on both sides of the paper this month.

A handy helpful paragraph was included in the phone bill, stating how much paper and money this would save. It also reminded everyone to check the back side of each page so they don't miss anything.

This reminder, of course, was printed on the *back* side of the page.

Please be advised of the following changes to the travel policy guidelines...

Memorandum

To: All Employees
From: Headquarters
Subject: Business Travel Policy Guidelines
Date: June 16, 1993

Due to fiscal constraints typical throughout the economy, the following corporate policies are announced regarding HP employees on travel for official business. The purpose of these policies is to save money, thereby decreasing overhead.

Transportation:
If commercial transportation must be utilized, the lowest cost tickets will be purchased. Airline tickets will only be authorized for purchase in extreme circumstances and, the lowest fares will be used. If, for example, a meeting with a customer is scheduled in Seattle, but a lower fare can be obtained by traveling to Detroit, then travel to Detroit will be substituted for travel to Seattle. Bus transportation will be utilized whenever possible.
Hitchhiking in lieu of commercial transport is strictly encouraged. Luminescent safety vests will be issued to all employees prior to their departure on company business trips.

Lodging:
All employees are encouraged to stay with relatives or friends while on company business. If this is not possible, then cost effective alternatives should be exploited.
Public areas such as parks and parking lots can be used during periods of good weather. In inclement weather, bridges may provide temporary shelter.

Meals:
Expenditures for meals will be limited to the absolute minimum. It should be noted that certain grocery chains, such as "General Nutrition Centers" and "Piggly Wiggly" stores often provide free samples of promotional items. Entire meals can often be obtained in this manner.
Travelers should also become familiar with, and exploit the use of, indigenous roots, berries, and other protein sources available at their destination. If restaurants must be utilized, travelers should seek establishments offering "all you can eat" salad bars. This will be especially valuable to employees traveling together, as a single plate can be used to feed one clever group.
Employees are also encouraged to bring their own food while on company business. Cans of tuna fish, Spam and Beef-a-roni can be conveniently consumed at your leisure, without the unnecessary bother of heating or other costly preparation.

Entertainment:
Entertainment while on travel is discouraged. If such extravagances are required for business reasons, the customer should be encouraged to "pick up the tab". Such actions will save the company money and also convince the customer that we are concerned about "spending his money on providing a good product for him", not on useless overhead frivolities which can drive up our prices.
Hospitality provided to our customers at our facility shall be tasteful, yet cost-effective. In lieu of frivolous dinners, a picnic bench will be placed in the parking lot complete with garden hose for liquid refreshments.

Miscellaneous:
All employees are encouraged to employ innovative techniques in our common effort to save corporate dollars. One enterprising individual has already suggested that money could be raised during airport "layover" periods which could be used to defray travel costs. In support of this idea, "Red Caps" will be issued to all employees prior to departure so that they may earn tips for helping other travelers with their luggage during such periods. Small plastic roses will also be made available to employees so that sales may be made as time permits.

Letters Of Recommendations For Employees

Have to write a letter of recommendation for that fired employee? Here are a few suggested phrases:

For the chronically absent:
"A man like him is hard to find."
"It seemed her career was just taking off."

For the office drunk:
"I feel his real talent is wasted here."
"We generally found him loaded with work to do."
"Every hour with him was a happy hour."

For an employee with no ambition:
"He could not care less about the number of hours he had to put in."
"You would indeed be fortunate to get this person to work for you."

For an employee who is so unproductive that the job is better left unfilled:
"I can assure you that no person would be better for the job."

For an employee who is not worth further consideration as a job candidate:
"I would urge you to waste no time in making this candidate an offer of employment."
"All in all, I cannot say enough good things about this candidate or recommend him too highly."

For a stupid employee:
"There is nothing you can teach a man like him."
"I most enthusiastically recommend this candidate with no qualifications whatsoever."

For a dishonest employee:
"Her true ability was deceiving."
"He's an unbelievable worker."

A big strong muscular guy went to a bar and ordered a club soda with the juice of one lemon. The bartender poured the club soda and squeezed the juice from one lemon. The strong guy said, "I bet you one hundred dollars I can squeeze a cup of lemon juice from the lemon you just squeezed." The bartender said, "You're on!"

The strong guy squeezed and squeezed until he got one full cup of lemon juice from the lemon. The bartender, amazed, gave him $100.00.

A couple of stools down sat this little skinny guy with big thick glasses. He turned to the strong guy and said, "I bet you $500.00 I can squeeze two cups of lemon juice from that lemon you just squeezed. The strong guy laughed and said, "You're on!"

The skinny guy squeezed and squeezed, he grunted and groaned, but was smiling the whole time. The strong guy and bartender just watched in amazement when the skinny guy sat back smiling having squeezed two cups of lemon juice from the already twice squeezed lemon. The strong guy reluctantly forks over the $500.00. Puzzled, the strong guy asked, "How in the hell did you do that?!!!" The skinny guy said, "Oh, it's very simple, I work for the IRS!"

A physicist, an accountant and a lawyer are all standing around at a party discussing if it's better to have a wife or a girlfriend.

The accountant says, "A girlfriend! No commitments, no hassles. When you get tired, you just move on."

The lawyer says, "One _needs_ a wife. That way you have a representative; an extension of yourself at important gatherings with influencial people."

The physicist says, "You're both wrong. You need a wife and a girlfriend. That way the wife thinks you're with the girlfriend; the girlfriend thinks you're with the wife and all the while you're at the lab doing research!"

Things Not To Put In A Resume Cover Letter

1. I'm really keen to work for you - I hear the drugs are good.
2. I regret that I have no references. Unfortunately, every company I have worked for has since closed down.
3. I'll kill myself if I don't get a job.
4. I know where you live.
5. Any sentence beginning with "I was recently acquitted."
6. I'm really tall, so I think I'd be well suited to this job.
7. Happy faces.
8. By the way, I understand that you have unmarried daughters.
9. My turn-ons include...
10. I'm confident that I'll get this job. God told me.

Believe it or not, there's a group called the Better Sleep Council which has the following statistics from a survey of 1,000 working adults:

Have You Ever Dozed Off At Work?

               Men  Women    Overall
Yes            26%    13%        19%
No             73%    85%        79%
Don't know      1%     4%         2%
(Don't know?)

A modern U.S. Navy cruiser now requires 26 tons of manuals. This is enough to affect the vessel's performance.

They have a philosophy course that prepares you for the Post Office. It's called "I Think, Therefore I Am Overqualified."

Fortune Magazine reported that some employees of Merrill Lynch's New York office were so incensed at its mailroom service a few years ago that they sent interoffice mail via Federal Express. "Memos were whisked from floor to floor via Memphis."

HP and Motorola decided to have a boat race, on the Thames, following the famous Oxford vs Cambridge course. Both teams practiced hard, and came the big day, they were as ready as they could be. HP won by a mile.

Afterwards, the Motorola team were very downhearted, and a decision was made that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found, so a working party was set up to investigate and report.

Well, they had everybody on the working party, Sales, Systems Engineering, Marketing, Customer Education, Field Service, the whole lot, and after three months they came up with the answer, and the working party co-ordinator gave his summary presentation.

"The problem was", he said, "that HP had 8 people rowing and 1 steering, whereas we had 1 person rowing and 8 steering."

The working party was then asked to go away and come up with a plan to prevent a recurrence the following year, for Motorola's pride had been damaged, and another defeat was not wanted.

Two months later, the working party had worked out a plan, and the coordinator gave his (customarily brief) summary:

"The guy rowing has got to work harder"

A businessman was having a tough time lugging his lumpy, oversized travel bag onto the plane. Helped by a flight attendant, he finally managed to stuff it in the overhead bin. "Do you always carry such heavy luggage?" she sighed.

"No more," the man said. "Next time, I'm riding in the bag, and my partner can buy the ticket!"

Two neighbors were talking about work, when one asked, "Say, why did the foreman fire you?"

Replied the second, "Well, you know how a foreman is always standing around and watching others do the work. My foreman got jealous. People started thinking I was the foreman."