Humor Page: war

The US pentagon recently found that they had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired now, his full annual benefits, PLUS $10,000.00 for every inch measured in a straight line along the retiring general's body which he chose.

The first general accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to his toes ... 6 feet. He walked out with a check of $720,000.00. The second general asked them to measure from the tip of his outstreched hand to his toe ... 8 feet. He walked out with a check of $960,000.00.

Meantime, the first general had tipped off the third. When he was asked where to measure, he told the pension man, "from the my thumb to my wrist." As the puzzling pension man tried to do the measurement, he found that both general's hands were missing. The pension man asked what happened to them. The general simply said, "When I tried to disable a land mine, it went off ... it happened when I was stationing at Vietnam ..."

Private Johnson was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.

It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Private Johnson had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before.

Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Johnson's sales pitch. Johnson explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said: "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $10,000."

"Now," he concluded, "which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?"

McDonall Dougles
Aircraft-Space Systems-Missiles

Important! Important!

Please fill out and mail this card within 10 days of purchase.

Thank you for purchasing a McDonall Dougles military aircraft. In order to protect your new investment, please take a few moments to fill out the warranty registration card below. Answering the survey questions is not required, but the information will help us to develop new products that best meet your needs and desires.

1. __Mr. __Mrs. __Ms. __Lord __Lt. __Gen. __Comrade __Classified __Other

   First Name________________ Initial____ Last Name________________________

2. Which model aircraft did you purchase?

   __F-14 Tomcat __F-15 Eagle __F-16 Falcon __F-19A Stealth __Classified

   __with nuclear head __with silencer

3. Date of purchase: Month________ Day__ Year____

4. Serial Number___________________

5. Please check where this product was purchased:
   __Received as Gift/Aid Package
   __Catalog Showroom/Discount Store
   __Mail Order
   __Sleazy Arms Broker
   __Drug Dealer
   __Government Surplus
   __Classified

6. Please check how you became aware of the McDonall Dougles product you have just purchased:
   __Heard loud noise, looked up
   __Store Display
   __Espionage
   __Recommended by friend/relative/ally
   __Political lobbying by Manufacturer
   __Was attacked by one

7. Please check the three (3) factors which most influenced your decision to purchase this McDonall Dougles product:
   __Kickback/Bribe
   __Speed/Maneuverability
   __Comfort/Convenience
   __McDonall Dougles Reputation
   __Advanced Weapons Systems
   __Back-Room Politics
   __Your Neighbor Own One
   __Negative experience opposing one in combat

8. Please check the location(s) where this product will be used:
   __North America
   __Central/South America
   __Aircraft Carrier
   __Europe
   __Middle East
   __Africa
   __Asia/Far East
   __Misc. Third-World Countries
   __Classified

9. Please check the products that you currently own, or intend to purchase in the near future:

   Product                 Own        Intend to purchase
   -------                 ---        ------------------
   Color TV
   Home PC
   Killer Satellite
   Air-to-Air Missiles
   Space Shuttle
   Nuclear Weapon
   

10. How would you describe yourself or your organization? Check all that apply:
    __Religious
    __Communist/Socialist
    __Terrorist
    __Neutral
    __Democratic
    __Dictatorship
    __Militia
    __Drug Dealer/Lord
    __Primitive/Tribal

11. How did you pay for your McDonall Dougles product?
    __Cash (marked or unmarked)
    __Suitcases of Cocaine
    __Oil Revenues
    __Deficit Spending
    __Personal Check
    __Credit Card
    __Ransom Money
    __Traveler's Check

12. To help us understand our Customers' lifestyles, please indicate the occupation, interests and activities in which you and your spouse enjoy participating on a regular basis:

    Occupation                     You     Your Spouse
    ----------------               ---     -----------
    Homemaker
    Sales/Marketing
    Revolutionary
    Clerical
    Mercenary
    Tyrant
    Middle Management
    Eccentric Billionaire
    Defense Minister/General
    Drug Dealer/Manufacturing
    Retired
    Student
    
    Activity/Interest               You     Your Spouse
    -----------------               ---     -----------
    Golf
    Boating/Sailing
    Sabotage
    Propaganda/Disinformation
    Destabilizing/Overthrow
    Default on Loans
    Black Market/Smuggling
    Interrogation/Torture
    Crushing Rebellions
    Espionage/Reconnaissance
    Border Disputes
    Mutually Assured Destruction
    

Thanks for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your answers will be used in market studies that will help McDonall Dougles serve you better in the future - as well as allowing you to receive mailings and special offers from other companies, governments, extremist or militia groups, and mysterious consortia.

Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes? Please call: 1-800-666-0666

The Marines were backing-up LAPD on a call that someone had broke into a store. At the scene, the cop told the Marines to "cover" him as he approched the store (to police, "cover" means to point your weapons in the direction of the threat, to Marines it means lay down a base of fire!). The Marines promptly laid down a base of fire. The Marines fired 178 rounds before they stopped shooting. The thief, probably a little scared at this point, called 911 and reported, "They're shooting at me!".

An Indian chief is driving his Cadillac somewhere at Nevada. Suddenly his car gets broken. He examines it, and reveals that a technician must be called. But the chief has only $4, and no credit card (unfortunately B-) ). So he gathers some wood, makes a fire and signals his tribe with its smoke: "Hey, send somebody to my location with $500!" The tribe accepts this signal, but to make sure in its meaning, signals back - once again, with the smoke:
"OK, chief, but why so much ?"

At this moment a ground test of nuclear bomb is being held on the test field nearby. A huge mushroom-like cloud of smoke rises into the sky... The tribe signals:
"Ok, Ok, chief, we just wondered, why to be so pissed off ?"

The 1982 Israeli invasion of Lebanon resulted in many dogfights between Syrian and Israeli jet fighters. In the end, the Syrians lost over 80 planes and had a number of SAM batteries knocked out, while the Israelis lost no planes. Sometime later the Syrian Defense Minister was shopping for weapons in Moscow. His host, the Soviet Defense Minister, was embarrassed about the scorecard from Lebanon. He told his Syrian guest, "Take anything you want - our best tanks, rifles, or surface-to-air missiles." "No, no - you don't understand!" the Syrian replied. "Last time you gave us surface-to-air missiles. This time we need surface-to-*jet* missiles!"

President Bush is visiting Baghdad and Saddam Hussein is showing him how devastated the Iraqi economy is. Seeing all kinds of things, they arrive at a red button and Bush asks what it is. Hussein tells him "Press it!" so Bush presses the button and a hand comes out of the wall and hits him in the face. He gets real mad, and says "I'm going back to Washington", and returns to USA.

A couple of months later, Saddam is invited to Washington. Again, they show him all kind of things, and eventually they arrive at a red button. Hussein asks what it is, and Bush tells him to press it so Saddam presses it, but nothing happens. So he laughs and says "I'm going back to Baghdad!", to which Bush responds: "There is NO Baghdad!".

Three men were having lunch, one was CIA, one was Israeli Mossad, and the other was British M-5. There was a slight buzzing sound and the Brit opened his mouth, unscrewed a tooth, put it to his ear and listened. He then held the tooth to his mouth and said "I'm eating now and I'll get back to you." Next, the CIA man's tie-clip began to beep and he followed the same basic scenario. All of a sudden the man from the Mossad let out some rip roaring gas. "Excuse me", he said, "I'm getting a fax".

Sergei Yevshin, a coal miner on strike in the Ukraine was quoted in this weekend's The European [newspaper] as saying:

"We watched with envy on television as American soldiers gave out packets of Marlboro cigarettes to Iraqi prisoners of war. Many of us have to work an entire shift underground to afford one packet of Marlboro. I want to surrender to the Americans."

So there's this soldier who is all excited about joining the army. He heads for the local recruiter's office and says he's psyched to join. The recruiter says "Hey, great! Here's your gun," and hands the new soldier a broomstick.

The new dude says, "Hang on, what kind of a gun is this? It doesn't even have a bayonet!" The Sarge ties a piece of string on the end, and says "You're all set now, just head out to the battle front, point your gun, and say 'Bangity-Bangity-Bang' and the gun will work fine. Swing it around, and say 'Stabity-Stabity-Stab' and the bayonet will do its thing." The soldier is a skeptic, but he's also not the brightest guy, so he believes the Sarge and heads for the battle front.

There he is, in the middle of all the fighting, with a crazed look in his eye. He picks up his trusty broomstick, and waves it around at the enemy, saying "Bangity-Bangity-Bang!, Stabity-Stabity-Stab!, Bangity-Bangity-Bang!, Stabity-Stabity-Stab!" To his amazement, everyone on the field is completely wiped out. Everyone, that is, except for one fighter, who is advancing very slowly and steadily toward our hero.

The soldier thinks, "Hey, no sweat," and aims his broomstick. "Bangity-Bangity-Bang!" No difference -- the enemy soldier keeps advancing, slowly and steadily. Our man waves his weapon threateningly and says "Stabity-Stabity-Stab!" Still nothing. The enemy advances steadily toward the soldier. He bumps into the soldier, knocks him down, advances up over his legs, stomach, chest, and face and continues over the other side -- slow and steady.

As the enemy moves away, the soldier hears him saying "Tankity-Tankity-Tank."

Have you heard the new Iraqi golf course??

It has 18,000 holes.

What do you call a Japanese census after World War II?

A Geiger Counter.