i_humor Humor Page: religion

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A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five- and six-year-olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."

During a sermon our pastor stated that money wasn't important in the afterlife, because in heaven, there is no money.

I overheard a poor kid whisper to his mother, "Did you hear that, Mom? We're already in heaven."

A four year old was at the pediatrician for a check up. As the doctor looked down her ears with an otoscope, he asked, "Do you think I'll find Big Bird in here?"

The little girl stayed silent.

Next, the doctor took a tongue depressor and looked down her throat. He asked, "Do you think I'll find the Cookie Monster down there?"

Again, the little girl was silent.

Then the doctor put a stethoscope to her chest. As he listened to her heart beat, he asked, "Do you think I'll hear Barney in there?"

"Oh, no!" the little girl replied. "Jesus is in my heart. Barney's on my underpants."

Grandpa and granddaughter were sitting talking when she asked, "Did God made you, Grandpa?"

"Yes, God made me," the grandfather answered.

A few minutes later, the little girl asked him, "Did God make me too?"

"Yes, He did," the older man answered.

For a few minutes, the little girl seemed to be studying her grandpa, as well as her own reflection in the mirror, while her grandfather wondered what was running through her mind. At last she spoke up.

"You know, Grandpa," she said, "God's doing a lot better job lately."

A pastor at a frontier church ended a stirring sermon with, "All those who want to go to heaven, put up your hands!" Everybody enthusiastically raised their hands ... everybody except a grizzled old cowboy who had been slouching against the door post at the back of the room.

All heads turned as he sauntered up to the front, spurs jangling and said, "Preacher, that was too easy. How d'ya know if these folks are serious? I can gar-an-tee to prove who really means it and who don't!"

Bemused and not a little frightenened the preacher said, "Ok, my friend, go ahead and put the faith of these good people to the test. Ask them anything you want."

At that the cowboy pulled his twin six-shooters, turned to the audience and said, "Alright ... who wants to go heaven ... raise your hands!"

The crumbling, old church building needed remodeling, so the preacher made an impassioned appeal, looking directly at the richest man in town. At the end of the message, the rich man stood up and announced, "Pastor, I will contribute $1,000."

Just then, a little piece of plaster fell from the ceiling and landed on the rich man's shoulder. He promptly stood again and shouted, "Pastor, I will increase my donation to $5,000."

Before he could sit back down, a bigger piece of plaster fell on him again, and again he virtually screamed, "Pastor, I will double my last pledge."

He sat down, and a larger chunk of plaster fell hitting him on the head. He stood once more and hollered, "Pastor, I will give $20,000!"

This prompted a deacon to shout, "Hit him again, Lord! Hit him again!"

The Sunday school teacher was carefully explaining the story of Elijah the Prophet and the false prophets of Baal. She explained how Elijah built the altar, put wood upon it, cut the steer in pieces and laid it upon the altar.

And then Elijah commanded the people of God to fill four buckets of water and pour it over the altar. He had them do this three times.

"Now," said the teacher, "can anyone in the class tell me why the Lord would have Elijah pour water over the steer on the altar?"

A little girl in the back of the room raised her hand with great enthusiasm and said, "To make the gravy!!!".

An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"

The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll just run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Jimmy, come in or stay out!'"

A mother was giving instructions to her children on their way to Sunday school, "And, why is it we should be quiet in church?"

Her little girl responded, "Because people are sleeping!"

A man had a habit of grumbling at the food his wife placed before him at family meals. Then he would ask the blessing.

One day after his usual combination complaint-prayer, his little girl asked, "Daddy, does God hear us when we pray?"

"Why, of course," he replied. "He hears us every time we pray."

She on this a moment, and asked, "Does he hear everything we say the rest of the time?"

"Yes, dear, every word," he replied, encouraged that he had inspired his daughter to be curious about spiritual matters. However, his pride was quickly turned to humility when she asked:

"Then which does God believe?"

One day a group of scientists got together and decided that man had come a long way and no longer needed God. So they picked one scientist to go and tell Him that they were done with Him.

The scientist walked up to God and said, "God, we've decided that we no longer need You. We're to the point that we can clone people and do many miraculous things, so why don't You just go on and get lost."

God listened very patiently and kindly to the man. After the scientist was done talking, God said, "Very well, how about this? Let's say we have a man-making contest." To which the scientist replied, "Okay, great!"

But God added, "Now, we're going to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam."

The scientist said, "Sure, no problem" and bent down and grabbed himself a handful of dirt.

God looked at him and said, "No, no, no. You go get your own dirt!"

A little boy was afraid of the dark. One night his mother told him to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom.

The little boy turned to his mother and said, "Mama, I don't want to go out there. It's dark."

The mother smiled reassuringly at her son. "You don't have to be afraid of the dark," she explained. "Jesus is out there. He'll look after you and protect you."

The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked, "Are you sure he's out there?"

"Yes, I'm sure. He is everywhere, and he is always ready to help you when you need him," she said.

The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went to the back door and cracked it a little. Peering out into the darkness, he called, "Jesus? If you're out there, would you please hand me the broom?"

Church Bulletin Blunders

Two Mormon church members were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their message and slammed the door in their faces. To her surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact, bounced back open. She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the door again with the same result - the door bounced back open. Convinced these rude young people were sticking their foot in the door, she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson, when one of them said, "Ma'am, before you do that again you need to move your cat."

There was a nun whose worn out body began to surrender. Her doctor prescribed for her a shot of whiskey three times a day to relax her. Not to be lured into "worldly pleasures", she huffily declined.

But the Mother Superior knew the elderly sister loved milk. So she instructed the kitchen to spike the milk three times a day.

After a few more years, even that spiked milk couldn't help and the aged sister approached her final hour. As several nuns gathered around her at her bedside, the Mother Superior asked if she wanted to leave them with any words of wisdom.

"Oh, yes," she replied. "Never sell that cow!"

In 2000 the Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In six months I am going to make it rain until the whole world is covered with water and all the evil things are destroyed. But, I want to save a few good people and two of every living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build an ark." And in a flash of lightning, he delivered the specifications for the ark.

"OK," Noah said, trembling with fear and fumbling with the blueprints, "I'm your man."

Six months passed, the sky began to cloud up, and the rain began to fall in torrents. The Lord looked down and saw Noah sitting in his yard, weeping, and there was no ark.

"Noah!" shouted the Lord, "Where is my ark?"

A lightning bolt crashed into the ground right beside Noah.

"Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best, but there were some big problems."

Noah continue, "First, I had to get a building permit for the ark's construction, but your plans did not meet their code. I had to hire an engineer to redo the plans, only to get into a long argument with him about whether to include a sprinkler system.

My neighbors objected, claiming that I was violating zoning ordinances by building the ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning board. Then I had a big problem getting enough wood for the ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the Spotted Owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists and the US Fish and Wildlife Service that I needed the wood to save the owls, but they wouldn't budge and on top of that wouldn't allow me to catch a pair of Spotted Owls.

Next, I started gathering up the animals but got sued by an animal rights group that objected to me taking along only two of each kind. In addition to that, the Association of Gay and Lesbian also sued me for not bring in 2 male or 2 female pairs.

Just when all the suits got dismissed, the EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the ark without filling out an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the Supreme Being.

Then the Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed flood plan. I sent them a globe!

Right now, I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities Commission over how many minorities I'm supposed to hire. The IRS has seized all my assets claiming that I am trying to leave the country, and I just got a notice from the state that I owe some kind of use tax.

Really, my Lord, I don't think I can finish the ark in less than five years."

With that, the sky cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean you are not going to destroy the world?" he asked hopefully.

"No," said the Lord. "The government already has."

A couple of nuns who were nursing sisters had gone out to the country to minister to an outpatient. On the way back they were a few miles from home when they ran out of gas. They were standing beside their car on the shoulder when a pickup truck approached.

Seeing ladies of the cloth in distress, the driver stopped to offer his help. The nuns explained they needed some gas. The driver of the truck said he would gladly drain some from his tank but he didn't have a bucket or can.

One of the nuns dug out a clean bedpan and asked the driver if he could use it. He said yes and proceeded to drain a couple of quarts of gas into the pan. He waved goodbye to the nuns and left. The nuns were carefully pouring the precious fluid into their gas tank when a highway patrol came by.

The trooper stopped and watched for a minute, then he said: "Sisters, I don't think it will work, but I sure do admire your faith!"

A newly appointed young preacher was contacted by the local funeral director to hold a graveside service at a small country cemetery. There was to be no funeral, just the committal, because the deceased man had no family or friends left.

The young minister started early to the cemetery, but soon lost his way. After making several wrong turns, he finally arrived a half-hour late.

The vehicle that carried the coffin was no where in sight, and some workmen were relaxing under a nearby tree, eating their lunch. Not far from the workmen, there was a big openning on the ground. The minister went to the open hole and found that the vault lid was already in place. He took out his book and read the service. As he returned to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say, "Maybe we'd better tell him that's a septic tank."

What with sermon preparations and anxiety, the new preacher had gotten very little sleep the week before he was to address his congregation for the first time. By Sunday morning, he was both exhausted and extremely nervous. Nevertheless, he managed to make it up the few steps onto the platform and into the pulpit.

He had barely begun his presentation when everything he had planned to say flew right out of his mind. In fact, his mind went totally blank. Then he remembered that in seminary they had taught him what to do if a situation like this ever arose:

"Repeat your last point, and let it remind you of what's coming next." Figuring this advice couldn't hurt, he recalled the very last thing he'd said, and repeated it:

"Behold," he quoted, "I come quickly." Still his mind was blank. He thought he'd better try it again: "Behold, I come quickly." Still nothing.

He tried it one more time ... but in his panic, he pronounced the words with such force that he lost his balance, fell forward, knocked the pulpit to one side, tripped over a flower arrangement, and then fell into the lap of a little old lady in the front row. Flustered and embarrassed, he picked himself up, apologized profusely, and started to explain what had just happened.

"That's all right, young man," said the little old lady kindly. "It was my fault, really. You told me three times you were on your way down here. I should have just gotten out of your way!"

There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.

An angel hears his plea and appears to him. "Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you." The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.

The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.

Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. St. Peter seeing the suitcase says, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!"

But the man explains to St. Peter that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough, St. Peter checks and comes back saying, "You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through."

St. Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, "You brought pavement?!!!"

There was this rabbi in a small town, and he was really curious about why so many people ate pork. He really wanted to try some, but there was nowhere in town he could go and not be seen. One weekend, he made and excuse and traveled to a distant town, went into a restaurant, and ordered the first pork-containing item on the menu. While he's waiting for his order to be prepared, the president of his congregation walks in. He sees the rabbi and asks if he could join him for dinner, and the rabbi has no choice but to agree.

A while later, the waiter returns with the rabbi's meal. He takes the cover off the platter, and there is a whole roast pig, with an apple in its mouth.

The congregation president is more than a little surprised. "What a fancy place," explains the rabbi quickly. "Just look at how they serve an apple."

"Wow, man," Timmy said. "God parted the Red Sea and let all His people through on dry ground!"

"Sorry," said the 'biblical' scholar. "But that wasn't the Red Sea; it was the Reed Sea. And its water is only about 1 foot deep. No miracle was involved."

"Oh," said Timmy. Then, reading on a little more, he said,

"Wow, man! What a miracle! God drowned all those Egyptians in 1 foot of water!"

A pastor was giving a lesson to a group of children on the 23rd Psalm. He noticed that one of the little boys seemed disquieted by the phrase "Surely, goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life..."

"What's wrong with that, Johnny?" the pasotr asked. "Well," answered Johnny, "I understand about having goodness and mercy, for God is good. But I'm not sure I'd like Shirley following me around all the time."

When the preacher's car broke down on a country road, he walked to a nearby roadhouse to use the phone. After calling for a tow truck, he spotted his old friend, Harry, drunk and shabbily dressed at the bar. "What happened to you, Harry?" asked the good reverend. "You used to be rich."

Harry told a sad tale of bad investments that had led to his downfall. "Go home," the preacher said. "Open your Bible at random, stick your finger on the page, and there will be God's answer."

Some time later, the preacher bumped into Harry, who was wearing a Gucci suit, sporting a Rolex watch, and had just stepped out of a Mercedes. "Harry," said the preacher, "I am glad to see things have really turned around for you."

"Yes, preacher, and I owe it all to you," said Harry. "I opened my Bible, put my finger down on the page and there was the answer ... Chapter 11."

A man was pondering all the questions of life, universe, and his own personal problem. The man could not find any answers so he sought help from God.

"God!? God?! Are you there God?!", he shouted.

God responded, "What is it my son?"

"I have a few questions, mind if I ask?"

"Go right ahead, my son ... anything.", God said

"God, what is a million years to you?"

God said, "a million years to me is only a second".

"Hmmm", he wondered. Then he asked again, "God, what is a million dollars worth to you?"

God said, "a million dollars to me is only worth a penny."

The man lift his eyebrows and proceeded to ask a final question. "God can I have a penny?"

And God cheerfully said, "Sure!! ... in a second".

Scientists completed building the largest and most powerful computer ever, with a zillion gigabytes of memory. They entered all the known information we have accumulated since the beginning of time. When they switched it on, the first question they put to the super computer was: "Is there a God?"

The computer exclaimed, "There is now!"

Larry, out of the blue, decided to go ice fishing last week. He had never been before, so he borrowed an auger and some tackle and headed out alone.

He walked out on the ice and starting auguring hole, when he heard a voice from above say, "There are no fish under the ice."

Larry looked around, and seeing no one, continued to auger. Once again, a deep, resounding voice from above said, "There are no fish under the ice."

Larry looked up and asked, "Is that you, God?"

The voice returned, "NO, this is the arena manager."

In the early twenties, three Jews emigrated to the United States. As so often happened in those days, the American immigration officials at Ellis Island simplified their complicated names on the official records. In this case, the three were recorded as Diamond, Gold, and Taylor. Many years later, they met and asked how each of them had done.

Diamond: Oh, I've done very well. With my name I started a jewelry store. Right from the start it was successful. Now there are Diamond Jewelers all over the country.

Gold: Well, brother Diamond, I, too, have succeeded. Same idea. Gold? So I started the Gold Ornaments Shop. The shop succeeded wonderfully. The branches spread. Now I'm a millionaire.

Taylor: With me it wasn't so simple. My name is Taylor, so I started a clothing store. I worked very hard, but it failed. So I started another, but it also failed. My family, they were starving. So what could I do but pray to God. "Oh, Lord," I said, "help me to prosper. Lord, if you do, I'll promise to give you 50 percent of the profits."

Diamond and Gold: Well, tell us. Did it work?

Taylor: Did it work? You never heard of Lord and Taylor?!

Why God Never Received Tenure At The University

St. Peter is at the gates of heaven and is about to go to lunch, so he tells a lesser angel to take over. While gone, the pope dies, and comes up to heaven. He says "I am 'Da pope'", and the angel looks and says "sorry, you're not on the list". The pope says "But I am da pope!" and the angel goes "Sorry, you're not on the list, you'll have to go to hell. So he goes.

Peter comes back and says "Did anyone come, because I am expecting the pope". And the angel says "no just some guy, Da popa or something, I sent him down." Peter realizes the mistake and call Satan, telling him to give the pope back. Satan says "No way, I've waited 943 years for a pope, and I'm not giving him up." Peter says "Then I'll take you to God's court and sue you." Satan says "Oh yeah, where are you gonna get a lawyer?"

"They are spirits of demons performing miraculous signs, and they go out to the kings of the whole world, to gather them for the battle on the great day of God Almighty." (Revelation 16:14 NIV)

A great battle was held to test their software programming skills. After days and days of fierce competition, only Jesus and Satan remained for the final event.

God described the software application required for the final test, and gave the signal to start writing code. The two contestants feverishly typed away on their keyboards. Routines, classes, applets and applications flew by on their screens at incredible speeds. Windows, dialogs, and other intricate graphics began forming on their monitors.

The clock showed that the contest would soon be finished. Suddenly, a bolt of lightening flashed and the power went out. After a moment it came back on -- just in time for the clock to announce that the last competition was over.

God asked the two contestants to reveal their finished software. Satan angrily said that he'd lost it all in the power outage. God turned to the other competitor. Jesus smiled, clicked a mouse and a dazzling application appeared on his screen. After just a few moments, God was clearly impressed and declared Jesus the victor. When asked why the decision was made, God pointed out the unique characteristic that set the winner apart from all the others:

Jesus saves!

Microsoft Corporation today announced its intent to purchase, copyright, and upgrade G.O.D. or GOD. The new product would be named, predictably enough, "Microsoft GOD", and would be available to consumers sometime in late 1998. "Too many people feel separated from God in today's world," said Joseph McSmither, director of Microsoft's new Religions division. "Microsoft GOD will make our L.O.R.D. or LORD more accessible, and will add an easy, intuitive user interface to the LORD, making the LORD not only easier to find, but easier to communicate with."

The new Microsoft Religions line will be expanded to include a multitude of add-on products to Microsoft GOD, including:

Microsoft Crusades: This conversion product will bring all worshipper accounts and prayer files over from previous versions of GOD, or from competing products like Buddha or Allah.

Microsoft GOD for the World Wide Web: This product ties Microsoft GOD with Microsoft Internet Information Server, making our LORD accessible from the World Wide Web using a standard Web browser interface. It introduces several new Web technologies, including Dynamic Salvation (DS) and Active Prayer Pages (APP). Donations for the poor can be donated via a Secure Alms Server (SAS).

Microsoft Prayers: Using a Windows-based WYSIWYG interface, this product will allow worshippers to construct effective prayers in a minimum of time. A Secure Prayer Channel technology allows guaranteed delivery of the prayer to Microsoft GOD servers, and Prayer Wizards enable users to construct new types of prayers with a minimum learning curve.

Microsoft Bible: Using a Windows-based editor, worshippers can cut and paste any Bible verses to fit their needs so that they can use them to back them up if any other people confront them for wrong doing. In the future, the Microsoft Bible will replace all the hardcopied ones found inside all courts and hotel rooms.

Microsoft Savior: This product will allow worshippers to transfer their sins to its internal Vice Database. After a preset interval, the product will erase itself from the user's system and establish a clear line of secure communications to the user's Microsoft GOD server.

Additionally, Microsoft is expected to announce a line of complimentary products for the new Religions line, which will enhance the functionality of the Microsoft GOD server product by providing a customized user interface. These interfaces will be based on popular religious sects, allowing worshippers to interact with the new GOD product in much the same way as the previous version. This line is expected to include Microsoft Mormon, Microsoft Catholicism, Microsoft Judaism (incompatible with Microsoft Savior), etc. However, it will not be compatible with the Windows666 Operating System since it makes them harder to save any file and impossible to restore a bad one, and many times it crashes the heart disk resulting in smoke and fire.

Competitor Netscape Communications denies rumors that it is planning to release a competing product, Netscape Satanism, that would attempt to render Microsoft GOD installations inoperable. Sun Microsystems also denies rumors that it is planning to release a similar product, JavaChrist, and has filed suit to prevent Microsoft from using its logo.

Question: What do you call a pair of people who doubt the very existance of God?
Answer: A Diagnostic.

A workaholic was asked, 'Why don't you take a day off? Even God took a day off to rest.' He answered, 'I am not as good as God, I need a day to catch up.'

As I was crossing the street on the way to my math final this morning, I saw a truck owned by the "Guaranteed Overnight Delivery" Corporation, or G.O.D. On the back of the truck was written "For service, call 1-800-CALL-GOD"

Three men died and went up to heaven and met St. Peter. Peter took the first fellow aside and asked him how many times he had cheated on his wife. The man proudly said "none". Impressed, Peter gave the guy a porsche to drive up the road to heaven. He took the second guy aside and asked him the same question. The guy blushed and said he's cheated once or twice. Peter sighed and gave him a Yugo to drive. He took the third guy aside and asked him the same question and was shocked to hear that this fellow cheated on his wife almost everytime there was a chance to. He gave this fellow a bike and dismissed him. The man on the bike was pedaling up the road, huffing and puffin, when he encounters the man in the porsche. He had pulled over and was sobbing his eyes out. The man on the bike stopped and asked him what was the matter. The sobbing man looked up with tearfilled eyes and wailed, "I just saw my wife walking!"

A young man went to the local priest who was widely revered as a wise man. The great man was asked the question, "Sir, tell me how I might learn control over my tongue." The priest thought for a long time and then asked the young man to obtain a sack of feathers. The young man was instructed to go around the town and place one feather on the doorstep of each home and business. This took all day. When he returned he was commanded to return the next morning. Dutifully, he came back early at the break of day. "Now, sir, what must I do to learn control of my tongue?" "My child, now I would like you to go to every home and retrieve every feather you placed around the town yesterday." "But that's impossible!" he exclaimed. "They have all blown away by now!" "And so it is with the words you speak. Once you have spoken them you cannot take them back."

A mormon bishop is out fishing when he comes across a big mean grizzly bear. He starts to run. After several hundred feet it's clear the bear is closing fast. So the bishop falls to his knees and prays. Atleast thirty seconds passed so he opens his eyes to find the bear also on his knees right behind the bishop. The bishop asks the bear "Are you mormon?" The bear looked surprised, "No, I'm just blessing my food."

Top Signs Your Shoe Salesman Is Actually The Devil

Last Sunday, the priest at a local Catholic church began his sermon with a supposedly true story...

"I was on a plane last week, flying from Chicago to California, when we ran into some very severe turbulence. As it got worse, the passengers became more and more alarmed, and finally even the stewardesses began to look concerned. Finally, one of them came over to me and said, "Father, this is really frightening. Do you suppose you could... I don't know... 'Do something Catholic?'"

"So I took up a collection."

Why was Baby Jesus born in a stable?

Because Joseph belonged to an HMO.

Then there was the secretary who said to the archbishop while looking at the Pennsylvania State legislature's agenda,

"What should we do about the abortion bill?"

And he replied,

"Pay it."

A Chinese Christian just died and went up to the Heaven. After an angel greeted him, the angel said, "Let me take you down to the Hell before we go inside the Heaven." Once they were there, the Chinese saw a huge table full of a big feast. However, everybody around the table looked real sad and starving. He asked the angel why. The angel said, "They only get a pair of 4-foot chopsticks and thus each one of them cannot feed oneself because the chopsticks are too long." Then, they went back to the Heaven and went inside. Again, the Chinese saw a huge table full of a big feast just like that in the Hell and each person has a pair of 4-foot chopsticks too. However, strangely, everybody around the table looked happy and satisfied. The angel explained, "Simple, here in Heaven each one feeds another with the chopsticks, unlike those selfish ones down there."

One beautiful Sunday morning, a minister announced to his congregation: "My good people, I have here in my hands three sermons...a $100. sermon that lasts five minutes, a $50. sermon that lasts fifteen minutes, and a $10. sermon that lasts a full hour. Now, we'll take the collection and see which one I'll deliver."

Max fell in love with Maureen, but the pretty Irish lass wouldn't marry him unless he converted from Judaism to Catholicism. Love being stronger than any other emotion, Max undertook the studies that would make him a good Catholic. Some months later, Maureen ran into her friend Paula, who asked, "When's your wedding?"

Maureen answered, "There'll be no wedding."
"Why not?"
"Max studied so hard he now wants to be a priest!"

A Baptist minister, a Rabbi, and a Roman Catholic priest were in some sort of ecumenical gathering. As they were seated at the same conference table, their discussion got around to problems in their building.

All three of them had problems with bats in the belfry. The Baptist minister admitted that he actually crawled up there and shot them. But, then he had holes in the roof and had to have that repaired. The Rabbi said that he set traps for the bats but they still came back.

The Roman Catholic priest said that he baptized the bats, then confirmed them and he hasn't seen them since.

4 rabbis had a series of theological arguments, and 3 were always in accord against the fourth. One day, the odd rabbi out, with the usual "3 to 1, majority rules" statement that signified that he had lost again, decided to appeal to a higher authority. "Oh, God!" he cried. "I know in my heart that I am right and they are wrong! Please show me a sign, so they too will know that I understand Your laws."

It was a beautiful, sunny day. As soon as the rabbi finished his plaint, a storm cloud moved across the sky above the four. It rumbled once and dissolved. "A sign from God! See, I'm right, I knew it!" But the other three disagreed, pointing out that storm clouds form on hot days.

So he asked again: "Oh, God, I need a bigger sign to show that I am right and they are wrong. So please, God, a bigger sign."

This time four storm clouds appeared, rushed toward each other to form one big cloud, and a bolt of lightning knocked down a tree ten feet away from the rabbis. The cloud dispersed at once. "I told you I was right!" insisted the loner, but the others insisted that nothing had happened that could not be explained by natural causes.

The insisting rabbi is all ready to ask for a *very big* sign when just as he says "Oh God..." the sky turns pitch black, the earth shakes, and a deep, booming voice intones, "HEEEEEEEE'S RIIIIIIIGHT!"

The sky returns to normal. The one rabbi puts his hands on his hips and says, "Well?" "So," replied another, "now it's 3 to 2!"

An old man, who spent his whole life in Maine, riding his horse and not even doing much driving, decided late in his life, to visit his sister in California. He had never flown before. When he got to the plane he found that it was full of ministers on a charter flight to LA. He took his seat next to a minister, and the conversation went like this: 

   Minister: Good morning.
    Old man:  Hello.
          M:  This is the first time I've flown.  
              I'm a little nervous.  Are you?
          O:  Nope.
          M:  Did you buy any flight insurance?
          O:  Flight insurance?  What for?
          M:  Well, what if (God forbid) the plane should crash?
          O:  What do I care?  I don't own the plane.

Two priests and a rabbi were discussing what they do with the money they receive in the collection plate. One priest says,

"Well, I draw a line on the floor, throw all the money in the air and whatever lands north of the line, I give to God, the rest I keep."

The other priest says,

"I do pretty much the same thing... I draw a circle, throw all the money in the air and whatever lands inside the circle, I give to God, and whatever lands outside, I keep."

The rabbi says,

"Well, I do the same sort of thing too. I throw all the money up in the air and whatever God grabs, he gets!"

At one point, the council of cardinals decided that they wanted to make Rome an all-Catholic city. Since the Jews were one of the smallest populations, they decided to try throwing them out as a test case. The head rabbi was summoned and told of this decision. The rabbi protested, saying that the Jews had been there longer than the Christians, and that such an arbitrary decision should not be made without some debate. Thus, it was agreed that the Pope would debate one of the rabbi's. If the rabbi won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would have to leave.

The head rabbi went back to the rabbinical council and said that a champion must be chosen. No one was too eager, as the Pope was well known as an intellectual and religious heavyweight. Finally, a Basque rabbi was chosen. As Basque was one of the few languages that the Pope didn't speak (this was before Hebrew was revived), the debate was to be carried out in sign language.

The Pope starts off the debate by making a sweeping gesture.
[Hands and arms in at chest; hands move up and out until arms in scarecrow position; could be mistaken as symbolism for a rising sun.]

The rabbi responds by pointing adamantly at the ground.

The Pope thinks a bit, then holds up three fingers.

The rabbi holds up one finger.

The Pope begins to take communion.

The rabbi pulls out an apple and begins eating it.

At this point, the Pope concedes the debate.

The Pope returns to the council of cardinals, who ask what happened.
[Begin repeating gestures.]
"Well, I said, 'God is everywhere', and he said, 'and God is right here'. I then said 'God is a trinity', and he said, 'no, God is just one'. As an act of good faith, I began to take the body of Christ in communion. Then he pulled out an apple to show the sin in us all. He'd knocked me down point for point, so I decided to conceded the debate."

The rabbi returns to his fellows, who ask what happened.
[Repeat gestures again.]
"Well, he said, 'you all gotta leave', and I said, 'no, we're staying right here'. Then he said 'you have three days', and I said, 'not one of us is leaving'. Then he broke for lunch, so I started eating mine."

It seems there was this priest who just LOVED to golf, but he had been very busy for many months and had not been able to get away to go golfing. Well, one Sunday morning he woke up and felt he just HAD to go golfing. The weather was just beautiful.

He called up the Bishop and claimed he had a really bad case of laryngitis and couldn't preach, so the Bishop told him to rest for several days. He then got out his clubs and headed off for the golf course.

He set up at the first hole, making sure no one was there to see him playing hooky, and blasted that ball with his wood. It was a beautiful shot! It went straight and true; it bounced, and bounced (right up onto the green) and rolled its way closer... closer... a hole in one! The priest jumped up and down in his excitement.

He struts off to the green, collects his ball, and tees off at the second hole, repeating his performance on the first hole, much to his astounded delight.

All this time St. Peter and God have been watching him from the gates of heaven. St. Peter has finally seen enough to pique his curiousity. "Lord," he says, "this priest seems to be a real trouble maker. He ignored his congregation and even LIED to go golfing. And now you reward him with a hole in one! Why?"

God smiles and looks over at St. Peter and says, "I'm punishing him ... after he finishes his game by himself, who can he tell his story to?"

There was this Jew who prayed daily to win the lottery. "God," he'd say, "please let me win the lottery. Please, please let me win the lottery."

About ten years of this passed, and the Jew, still praying every day, was getting a mite exasperated.

Finally he said, "God, why haven't I won the lottery? I've prayed every day for ten years and I haven't won the lottery."

"Irving," a voice boomed, "at least meet me half way and purchase a lottery ticket."

A man who thought he was Buddha was disturbing the neighborhood, so for public safety, he was committed. He was put in a room with another crazy and immediately began his routine, "I am Buddha! god has sent me!" The other guy looks at him and declares, "I did *not*!"

Moshe was shocked when his son announced he was going to convert from Judaism to Christianity. Distraught, he went to see his friend Herschel.

"Funny you should mention it," said Herschel, "but my son too just told me he was converting from Judaism to Christianity. Come, let's go see the rabbi and ask for advice."

Hurrying to the synagogue, they told the rabbi the problem.

"Funny you should mention it," the clergyman told the men, "but even my son has announced that he's converting from Judaism to Christianity. You know, I'll bet there's something going on here. We'd best talk to God."

Hastening to the sanctuary, the three men folded their hands, and the rabbi said, "Oh, God, all of our sons have forsaken Judaism for Christianity. Tell us what we should do!"

There was a rumbling in the heavens and a voice echoed through the temple. "Funny you should mention it ..... "

Due to an oversight, the main dish at the interfaith banquet was a pork roast. The rabbi was taking it in good stride, although he wasn't eating, of course. His friend, the local priest, turned to him and said jokingly, "So, Rabbi, won't you ever try pork?". "Sure, Father, at your wedding."


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Last modified: February 20, 2003