Humor Page: miscellaneous

There were a husband and his wife sitting next to a drunk man in a bar. Suddenly the drunk man stood up and yelled, "ATTENTION ALL" and burped out loudly.

The wife felt extremely uneasy, and the husband looked at the drunk and said, "Excuse me, you just burped in front of my wife ..."

The drunks replied, "I'm sorry I didn't know it was her turn."

What one word does the following describe:

It's greater than God,
More evil than the devil,
Rich people need it,
Poor people have it,
And if you eat it, you will die.

Answer: see bottom of this page ...

Have an Extra-Specially Fun Time At Wal-Mart!

• Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.
• Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.
• Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.
• When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"
• Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.
• Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.
• Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like "pick me! pick me!!"
• Go into the dressing room and yell real loud ... "Hey, we're out of toilet paper in here!"

As the coals from our barbecue burned down, my husband passed out marshmallows and long roasting forks to our dinner guests. Just then, two fire trucks roared by, sirens blaring, lights flashing. They stopped at a house right down the block. All twelve of us raced out of the back yard, down the street, where we found the owners of the blazing house standing by helplessly. They glared at us with looks of disgust.

Suddenly, we realized that we were all still holding our roasting forks with marshmallows on them....

An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy. After examining it, he called the curator of a prestigious natural history museum.

"I've just discovered a 3,000 year old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed.

To which the curator replied, "Bring him in. We'll check it out."

A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist. "You were right about the mummy's age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?"

"Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, '10,000 Shekels on Goliath'."

"Sir, What is the secret of your success?" a reporter asked a bank president.

"Two words"

"And, Sir, what are they?"

"Right decisions."

"And how do you make right decisions?"

"One word."

"And, What is that?"

"Experience."

"And how do you get Experience?"

"Two words"

"And, Sir, what are they?"

"Wrong decisions"

The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building.

You Know It Is Going To Be A Bad Day When...

• People in your department greet each other with "How's the job search?" instead of "How's it going?"
• There is a '60 Minutes' crew at your office door.
• You accidently wash your hair with "Nair".
• You find a completely empty parking lot when you get to work at 9:00 AM.
• You find your boss, two higher levels of management, and a security guard waiting for you when you get in.
• You put both contact lenses in the same eye.
• You turn on the news and they're displaying emergency routes out of your city
• You wake up and your braces are locked together.
• You wake up face-down on the sidewalk.
• You wake up to discover that your waterbed broke; then you remember that you don't have a waterbed.
• Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
• Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife.
• Your boss tells you not to bother taking off you coat.
• Your horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway.
• Your income tax rebate check bounces.
• Your twin brother forgets your birthday.
• Your wife says "Good morning Bill", and your name is George.

You Know You're Getting Old When ...

• A fortune teller offers to read your face.
• All your favorite music groups now only have "The Best Of ..." compilation CD's at the stores.
• The little old gray-headed lady you help across the street is your wife.
• You have too much room in the house and not enough in the medicine cabinet.
• Your children begin to look middle aged.
• Your little address book contains only names ending in M. D.
• You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.
• You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
• You turn off the lights for economic rather than romantic reasons.
• You've already gone to two Woodstock festivals in your lifetime.

Reasons Why Intelligent Beings From Outer Space Will Never Want To Visit Earth:

"real simulated oak" pressboard, 17-level voice mail, AIDS, I.R.S. tax forms, abandonment of children and pets, absentee landlords, ads and chain letters on the Internet, airline food, airliners exploding in mid-air, bank failures, bathtub accidents, being the only one in the elevator that uses deodorant, blind dates, buying "2 for 1" when you really didn't want one, chemical spills, child abuse, contamination of the water supply, corporal punishment, cryptic DOS/UNIX/Windows error messages, daytime television, depletion of the ozone layer, earthquakes, escaped maniacs, evil neighbors, faithless friends, false advertising, family scandals, faulty merchandise, flash floods, flesh-eating bacteria, forest fires, global warming, greenhouse effect, hate groups and organizations, humans that have bad breath and don't do anything about it, hurricanes, insurance salesmen, jealous co-workers, junk electronic mail, killer bees, lawyers who advertise on television, mail fraud, malpractice suits, mother-in-laws, mud slides, newspapers delivered promptly every morning on your roof, obscene phone calls, on-hold times calling government offices, pay cuts, peer pressure, poor workmanship, presidential election campaigns, price fixing, radar/photo speed traps, random acts of senseless violence, serial killers, squeegee guys who insist on washing your windshield, stray bullets, sudden cold/hot shower water in apartments, taxation without representation, telephone marketers calling during supper, terrorism, threatening letters, tornados, toxic waste, unemployment and mass lay-offs, water that runs yellowish brown from your faucet, wife beatings and killings, youth gangs armed with assault rifles, yuppies in Mercedes.

After spending an evening of rather intense drinking at the local bar, a man ventured out into the cold rainy night to go home. No sooner than he had left the bar, he sipped off the road and got lost in torents of rain. He soon found himself in a graveyard and as luck would have it, he fell head-long into a freshly dug grave. In his condition, the rain and mud proved too much and he could not free himself from the grave. So, he started to yell, "HELP, I'M COLD... HELP! I'M COLD".

Soon an other over indulged inebrient left the bar for his own home. As the second man started off he heard a distant "help, i'm cold" and began to follow it. Soon, it got louder, "Help! I'm Cold, Help! I'm Cold" And as he neared the cemetary the voice got ever louder, "HELP!, I'm Cold." Just as the second man nears the grave and peers over the side the First looks up and yells, "HELP!! I'M COLD!"

The second man replies, "Of course you are cold, you've kicked all your dirt off."

These are actual news stories from 1992, compiled by Bill Mandel of the San Francisco Examiner:

A San Francisco man walked through a plate-glass storefront trying to board the cable car he saw reflected in the shiny window.

One of the men arrested for looting in the L.A. riots is a $3 million Lotto winner who receives $120,000 a year from the state.

A women in Royal Oak, Mich., was arrested, handcuffed, and jailed for putting her garbage cans out too early.

A Florida wedding reception was interrupted when the bride threw macaroni salad at the groom and he responded with gunfire. At the hospital, the wounded bride insisted on checking in under her new married name.

An off-duty Oklahoma city police officer ran from the stands at a high school basketball game and arrested an official who, the cop claimed, was not calling enough fouls against the visiting team.

Investigators probing Sears auto repair departments found that several cars taken in for brake repair came out with no brakes at all.

The 1982 National Father's Day Association's Father of the Year went to jail for failing to pay child support.

A color-bar test pattern on a Los Angeles television drew higher ratings than two competing stations' 10 p.m. newscasts.

Top New York City Pedestrian Tips:

• The city does not employ so-called "wallet inspectors."
• Remember: regular hot dogs do not have fingernail.
• Yelling at cabdrivers in English wastes your time and theirs.
• Avoid paperwork for your next of kin by keeping dental records on you.
• It's bad manners to lie down inside someone else's chalk body outline.
• Cabs driving on the sidewalk are not permitted to pick up passengers.
• If you catch an exploding manhole cover, you can keep it.
• If it doesn't smell like chili, it probably isn't.

What's the difference between an Israelite and an Israeli?
About thirty calories.

What American TV teaches us...

• If a woman is running away from someone she will trip and fall.
• Your car will always start immediately unless you are being chased by a maniacal killer or a monster of genetic creation.
• Crazed maniacs have super-human strength.
• Crazy people are always dangerous.
• Good guys always shoot better than bad guys.
• Good guys are always outnumbered.
• Good guys always win and get the girl.
• Ugly people are always bad guys.
• Good guys are always good looking.
• Good guys are the only ones that have a sense of humor.
• Cars will explode in all accidents, no matter how slight.
• If you jump hundreds of feet into water, it will always be deep enough.
• The head bad guy is always smart. The guys working for him are always stupid.
• Haunted houses are never locked.
• Women will faint at crucial times.
• Good guys will always get shot in the arm or leg.
• All Chinese people know Karate.
• Murders will always be accompanied by sinister music.
• Rich people are either unhappy or private detectives.
• Teenagers are always smarter than their parents.
• There are no ugly women, only ugly men.
• Thunderstorms spontaneously create murders.
• Computers never crash.
• When someone is dead or dying, there will be a trickle of blood from the corner of their mouth.
• Bad guys will make elaborate inventions to kill the good guys, but will leave before finding out if it works.
• Christmas Eve and Halloween night lasts for three or four days.
• Movies based on true stories are always made up.
• Police never wait for back-up.
• Undercover cops are too good to be spotted.
• Private detective work is glamorous.
• All baseball games will be won with a home run in the bottom of the ninth and two outs.
• Everyone wins in Las Vegas.
• Nobody on TV has time to watch TV.
• Monsters are best hunted down when everyone spreads out and goes out alone instead of in groups.

I am a member of the local YMCA (which here in Silicon Valley is disguised as a trendy health club). At least once a week, there is a note on the comments board from someone complaining about the parking. Not a lack of parking, but that during peak hours, the available parking is too far away. It strikes me as completely ridiculous and very Californian that people who spend an hour or more lifting weights and pumping step machines would then complain about the 50-yard walk to their car.

A cowboy came riding around a bend in the trail and saw an Indian on the ground. His head was tilted with his ear on the ground. When he saw the cowboy he said, "Three men, large wagon, four horses".
The cowboy asked in amazement, "You can tell all that just by listening to the ground?"
"No", said the Indian, "They ran over me....".

This really really old guy is walking on the beach one day.
He hears a little teenie tiny voice calling out "Hey Mister ... pssst ... come here." He looks around and sees a little tiny frog under a palm tree. He picks it up and it says "Hey Mister ... if you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful young woman and your wishes will be my commands forever."
He takes the frog, puts it in his pocket, and starts to walk back toward home.
The frog says "Hey, what are ya doing? Don't ya want to kiss me?"
The old man says, "No ... to tell you the truth, at my age, a talking frog worths whole lot more to me."

Three guys were shipwrecked and after a few days of drifting, came upon a desert island. This island was a nice refuge from drifting in the ocean and it contained the basic necessities to sustain life. For two years, these three guys survived off of seafood and fresh fruit. They were lonely for their families, however, and talked much of the day they would be rescued.

One day, a bottle washed up on shore. When the cork was pulled out of the bottle, a genie appeared and offered each man one wish. The first guy said, "I haven't seen my parents, brothers or sisters for two years and I wish that I was home with them." Poof! He disappeared from the island and was immediately transported thousands of miles to his family's home. The second guy said, "I haven't seen my wife or baby daughter for two years. My wish is to be at home with them." Poof! He disappeared from the island and was immediately transported thousands of miles to where his wife and baby daughter were staying. The third guy thought for a little bit and then said, "I don't really have any family to speak of. I wish that my two friends were back here with me." Poof!

Everybody always wants to be FIRST. I don't, I just want to be NEXT.
It's like when you are waiting in a long line at the Post Office, finally before you know it you'rrreee NEXT. It doesn't matter which window opens up, you just don't care because you'rreee NEXT!
And everyone in line KNOWS who you are too, you're Next!

While back, someone suggested that the young Elvis stamp be used for regular mail, while the old Elvis be used for bulk mail.

People like Jay Leno's suggestion better though:

Your letter starts off with the young Elvis stamp and, by the time it's delivered, winds up with the old Elvis stamp.

Worst Editing of a Film: A movie theater manager in South Korea decided that the running time of The Sound of Music was too long, so he shortened it by cutting out all the songs.

Most Unusual Film Rating: In 1970, Boston newspapers ran an advertisement for the Walt Disney movie Peter Pan. The ad gave it an "R" rating.

Most Unusual Traffic Fine: If you run a stop sign in Fargo, South Dakota, it'll cost you a $25 fine or a pint of blood. The choice is yours.

Most Unusual Cannon: The Canadian National Research Council has come up with a pneumatic cannon capable of firing dead chickens at speeds of up to 620 miles per hour. It will accommodate either the standard caliber four-pound chicken for testing aircraft windshields, or the larger eight-pound bird for testing tail assemblies.

Most Unusual Toothpaste: A California dentist has developed Doggy-Dent, a beef-flavored toothpaste for dogs.

The first mate drunk one day, and the captain wrote in the ship's log: The first mate was drunk today.

The first mate begged the captain to erase the entry, as it would look bad on his record. The captain refused.

The first mate vowed revenge. The next day it was his turn to write in the log, and he wrote: The captain was sober today.

The absent-minded professor banged his car into another at a crossroads. His was not damaged, but the other car was crushed.

"Call me up and tell me how much the repairs cost. I'll pay the bills," he told the other driver and started to pull away.
"What is your phone number?"
"It's in the phone book," the professor called back.
"But what's your name?"
"Oh, that's in the phone book, too."

It occurred at a party. A male guest tried to introduce himself to a female guest with whom he was not acquainted.

"Hello, I'm ---"

"A MOTEL????" she interrupted, very conspicuously, near the top of her lungs.

"What?"

"WHY DO YOU WANT TO TAKE ME TO A MOTEL????"

"I never said anything about any ---"

"I'M NOT GOING TO ANY MOTEL WITH YOU AND THAT'S FINAL!!!"

Of course, he decided she was out of her mind and moved away, avoiding her the rest of the evening.

But about a half hour later she tapped him on the shoulder from behind. He turned around to see who it was, recognized her, and backed away.

"Wait, please," she said. "I'm sorry about what I did earlier, but you see, I'm a psychology student, and I'm doing research on how people react to unexpected stresses and other difficult situations. Please let me apologize ---"

"TWO HUNDRED FIFTY DOLLARS????" he interrupted.

Moe, Larry and Tim are in a bar when a woman comes over to where they are sitting to order a drink.
She says (to Larry): "You are rather heavily."
Larry replies: "I'm the designated *drinker*."
Tim has a cola in front of him and says: "I'm the designated *driver*."
To which Moe says: "And I'm the designated hitter ... So... Do you come here often?"

What one word does the following describe:

It's greater than God,
More evil than the devil,
Rich people need it,
Poor people have it,
And if you eat it, you will die.

Answer: "Nothing."