Humor Page: medical

A boy was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his parents "how was I born?"

"Well honey ..." said the slightly prudish parent, "the stork brought you to us."

"OH," said the boy. "Well, how did you and daddy get born?" he asked.

"Oh, the stork brought us too."

"Well how were grandpa and grandma born?" he persisted.

"Well darling, the stork brought them too!" said the parent, by now starting to squirm a little in the Lazy Boy recliner.

Several days later, the boy handed in his paper to the teacher who read with confusion the opening sentence:

"This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact that there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations."

My family physician told me of an incident that actually happened to him back in the early days of his practice.

He said a woman brought her baby to see him, and he determined right away that the baby had an earache. He wrote a prescription for ear drops. In the directions he wrote, "Put two drops in right ear every four hours" and he abbreviated "right" as an R with a circle around it.

Several days passed, and the woman returned with her baby, complaining that the baby still had an earache, and his little bottom was getting really greasy with all those drops of oil.

The doctor looked at the bottle of ear drops and sure enough, the pharmacist had typed the following instructions on the label:

"Put two drops in R ear every four hours."

I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center.

Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital.

She calmed down, and at the end of the conversation she happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter in to the ER right away.

A little boy was taken to the dentist. It was discovered that he had a cavity that would have to be filled. "Now, young man," asked the dentist, "what kind of filling would you like for that tooth?"

"Chocolate, please," replied the youngster

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other, outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"

The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."

The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done last year. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze!"

The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"

The first kid says, "A circumcision."

And the second kid says, "Whoa! I had that done when I was born. I couldn't walk for a year!"

A man asked his doctor if he thought he'd live to be a hundred. The doctor asked the man, "Do you smoke or drink?"

"No," he replied, "I've never done either."

"Do you gamble, drive fast cars, and fool around with women?" inquired the doctor.

"No, I've never done any of those things either."

"Are you a Christian or some kind of a religious person?"

"No, I don't believe in anything."

"Well then," said the doctor, "what do you want to live to be a hundred for?"

Susan just read an advertising email:

Lose 13 inches in just hour, permanently!
Sound too good to be true?

"I lost 13 inches in just one hour. I couldn't believe my eyes." Ann Marie, NY

With our 100% guaranty ...

Susan then said, "Boy, I will never live in NY and I am going to buy a big screen TV so that it will be hard for them to steal.

Some Thoughts

• One of life's mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make A person gain five pounds.
• Brain cells come and go but fat cells live forever.
• Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.
• I had to give up jogging for my health. My thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pants on fire.
• Amazing! You just hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes.

Bobby was removing some engine valves from a car on the lift when he spotted the famous heart surgeon Dr. DeBakey, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager.

Bobby, somewhat of a loud mouth, shouted across the garage, "Hey DeBakey! Is dat you? Come over here a minute."

The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where Bobby was working on a car. Bobby in a loud voice, all could hear, said argumentatively, "So Mr. Fancy Doctor, look at this work. I also take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish this baby will purr like a kitten. So how come you get the big bucks, when you and me are doing basically the same work?"

DeBakey was very embarrassed and as he walked away, said softly to Bobby, "Try doing your work with the engine running."

TO: Medical Personnel
FROM: Human Resource

It has come to our attention from several emergency rooms that many EMS narratives have taken a decidedly creative direction lately. Effective immediately, all members are to refrain from using slang and abbreviations to describe patients, such as the following.

Cardiac patients should not be referred to with MUH (messed up heart), PBS (pretty bad shape), PCL (pre-code looking) or HIBGIA (had it before, got it again).

Stroke patients are NOT "Charlie Carrots." Nor are rescuers to use CCFCCP (Coo Coo for Cocoa Puffs) to describe their mental state.

Trauma patients are not FDGB (fall down, go boom), TBC (total body crunch) or "hamburger helper". Similarly, descriptions of a car crash do not have to include phrases like "negative vehicle to vehicle interface" or "terminal deceleration syndrome."

HAZMAT teams are highly trained professionals, not "glow worms."

Persons with altered mental states as a result of drug use are not considered "pharmaceutically gifted."

Gunshot wounds to the head are not "trans-occipital implants."

The homeless are not "urban outdoorsmen", nor is endotracheal intubation referred to as a "PVC Challenge".

And finally, do not refer to recently deceased persons as being "paws up," ART (assuming room temperature), CC (Cancel Christmas), CTD (circling the drain), or NLPR (no long playing records).

I know you will all join me in respecting the cultural diversity of our patients to include their medical orientations in creating proper, narratives and log entries.

Sincerely,
Directory of Human Resource

A father brought his son into the doctor because the boy had a matchbox car shoved up his nose. All the while the doctor was trying to remove the car, the father kept saying "I don't know how he did it!" Finally the doctor removed the car, and the father and son left.

A few hours later, the father came back with the matchbox shoved up HIS nose. He told the doctor, "I know how he did it!"

At an international conference, an American, a Brit, and a Russian were discussing the shortcomings of their diagnoses.

"I can't stand it some time. We treat people for cancer, and then they die of AIDS".

"I know what you mean." said the Brit. "We treat them for yellow fever, and it turns out they had malaria. Then, of course, they die".

"That is not a problem in our country" said the Russian doctor. "When we treat people for a disease, they die of *that* disease."

Larry's barn burned down, and, Susan, his wife, called the insurance company ...

Susan: We had that barn insured for fifty thousand and I want my money.
Agent: Whoa there just a minute, Susan; it doesn't work quite like that. We will ascertain the value of the old barn and provide you with a new one of comparable worth.
Susan, after a pause: I'd like to cancel the policy on my husband.

How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?

He looks through a catalogue in the plastic surgeon's office.

An eighth-grade teacher was leading a discussion on the qualifications for being President of the United States. After the teacher commented that a person must be a natural-born citizen, one of the students raised her hand. "Does that mean that if you were born by Caesarean section that you can't be President?"

Patient to eye doctor:
"I'm very worried about the outcome of this operation,doctor. What are the chances?"

Eye doctor to patient: "Don't worry you won't be able to see the difference."

"Tell me, doctor, how much time do I have left to live ?"

"Well, it's hard to say, but if I were you, I wouldn't start watching any serials on TV."

"In retrospect, lighting the match was my mistake. But I was only trying to retrieve my son's rat." Dick Stone told doctors in the severe burns unit of San Francisco City Hospital. Admitted for emergency treatment after an attempt to retrieve the rat had gone seriously wrong, he explained, "My son left the cage door open, so his rat, Vermin, escaped into the garage. As usual, it looked for a good place to hide, and ran up the exhaust pipe of my motorcycle. I tried to retrieve Vermin by offering him food attached to a string, but he wouldn't come out again, so I peered into the pipe and struck a match, thinking the light might attract him."

At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what had happened next. "The flame ignited a pocket of residual gas and a flame shot out the pipe igniting Mr. Stone's mustache and severely burned his face. It also set fire to the pet rat's fur and whiskers which, in turn, ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the exhaust pipe which propelled the rodent out like a cannonball." Stone suffered second- degree burns, and a broken nose from the impact of the pet rat. His son was grounded for 6 weeks.

There was this city doctor who started a practice in the countryside. He once had to go to a farm to attend to a sick farmer who lived there. After a few housecalls he stopped coming to the farm. The puzzled farmer finally phoned him to ask whats the matter, didn't he like him or somethin'. The doctor said, "No, its your ducks at the entrance...every time I enter the farm, they verbally insult me!"

The patient awakened after the operation to find herself in a room with all the blinds drawn.

"Why are all the blinds closed?" she asked her doctor.

"Well," the surgeon responded, "They're fighting a huge fire across the street, and we didn't want you to wake up and think the operation had failed."

THE NEW ABRIDGED MEDICAL DICTIONARY

(Source: Edmonton Journal, Friday Aug 4, 1995)

BARIUM: What doctors do when patients die.
COLIC: A sheep dog.
D&C: Where Bill Clinton lives.
DILATE: To live longer.
FESTER: Quicker.
HANGNAIL: Coat hook.
IMPOTENT: Distinguished, well known.
LABOR PAIN: Get hurt at work.
MEDICAL STAFF: A doctor's cane.
MORBID: A higher offer.
NITRATES: Cheaper than day rates.
NODE: Was aware of.
OUTPATIENT: A patient who fainted.
PAP SMEAR: A fatherhood test.
PELVIS: Cousin to Elvis.
RECOVERY ROOM: A place to do upholstery.
RECTUM: Dang near killed 'em.
TERMINAL ILLNESS: Getting sick at the airport.
TERMINAL ILLNESS: Getting sick at your computer.
TUMOR: More than one.
URINE: Opposite of "You're out".

Shortly after the 911 emergency number became available, an elderly and quite ill lady appeared in a Rochester hospital emergency room, having driven herself to the hospital and barely managing to stagger in from the parking lot. The horrified nurse said, 'Why didn't you call the 911 number and get an ambulance?'

The lady said, 'My phone doesn't have an eleven.'

Ways To Cope With Stress

• Bill your doctor for your time spent in his waiting room.
• Do your computer programming assignments in binary code.
• Drive to work in reverse.
• During your next meeting, sneeze and then loudly suck the mucous back down your throat.
• Fill out your tax form using Roman Numerals.
• Leaf through "National Geographic" and draw underwear on the natives.
• Make up a language and ask people for directions in it.
• Pay your electric bill in pennies.
• Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on.
• Put your toddler's clothes on backwards and send him to pre-school as if nothing is wrong.
• Stare at people through the tines of a fork and pretend they're in jail.
• Write a short story using alphabet soup.

Things To Do If You Are Bored

• Apply for a Unicorn Hunting License.
• Boil ice cream.
• Build a pyramid.
• Bury your father's Nissan.
• Call strangers and ask for advice?
• Call strangers and give advice.
• Carve your girl/boyfriends initials...in a marshmallow.
• Challenge the neighbor kid to duel.
• Change your name...daily.
• Climb a sidewalk.
• Collect dust.
• Confess to a crime that you didn't commit.
• Count ants.
• Dial 911...breath heavily.
• Dress like your favorite Heavy Metal group...surprise your grandmother.
• Drive the speed limit...in your garage.
• Give your cat a mohawk.
• Go for a walk...in the attic.
• Have your car painted plaid.
• Join Hell's Angels by mail.
• Learn to type...with your toes.
• Mow your carpet.
• Paint your home...day-glo orange.
• Pay off the national debt...with a bad check.
• Pinstripe your driveway.
• Put legwarmers on all your furniture.
• Rearrange all the produce at the salad bar.
• Rearrange political campaign signs.
• Subscribe other people to magazines.
• Take your sofa for a walk.
• Talk to homeless people.
• Test thin ice...with a pogo stick.
• Write letters to all the political officials that are representing you and tell them what a good job they are doing...on April 1st.

A family stress test:

Give a score to your answer to the following statements:
0 ... if the statement is never true,
1 ... if it is rarely true,
2 ... if it is sometimes true,
3 ... if it is always true.

1. ___ Conversations often begin with "Put the gun down, and then we can talk".
2. ___ The school principal has your number on speed-dial.
3. ___ The cat is on Valium.
4. ___ People have trouble understanding your kids because they learned to speak through clenched teeth.
5. ___ You are trying to get your four-year-old to switch to decaf.
6. ___ The number of jobs held down by family members exceeds the number of people in the family.
7. ___ No one has _time_ to wait for microwave TV dinners.
8. ___ "Family meetings" are often mediated by law enforcement officials.
9. ___ You have to check your kid's Day-Timer to see if he can take out the trash.
10. ___ Maxwell House gives you industrial rates.

Scoring:

30 -- a perfect score. Welcome to the neighborhood!

20-29 -- You are doing reasonably well, but still have too little going on in your life. Crank it up.

10-19 -- You have mastered some of the aspects of the stress-filled life, but still have a long way to go. Have you considered a parallel career path?

0-9 - Enjoying all that extra time? What do you _do_ anyway?

"Doctors at a hospital in Brooklyn, New York have gone on strike. Hospital officials say they will find out what the Doctors' demands are as soon as they can get a pharmacist over there to read the picket signs."

Sam and John were out cutting wood, and John cut his right arm off. Sam wrapped the arm in a plastic bag and took it and John to a surgeon. The surgeon said, "You're in luck! I'm an expert at reattaching limbs! Come back in four hours." So Sam came back in four hours and the surgeon said, "I got done faster than I expected to. John is down at the local pub." Sam went to the pub and saw John throwing darts with his right arm.

A few weeks later, Sam and John were out again, and John cut his leg off. Sam put the leg in a plastic bag and took it and John back to the surgeon. The surgeon said, "Legs are a little tougher - come back in six hours." Sam returned in six hours and the surgeon said, "I finished early - John's down at the soccer field." Sam went to the soccer field and there was John, kicking goals.

A few weeks later, John had a terrible accident and cut his head off. Sam put the head in a plastic bag and took it and the rest of John to the surgeon. The surgeon said, "Gee, heads are really tough. Come back in twelve hours." So Sam returned in twelve hours and the surgeon said, "I'm sorry, John died." Sam said, "I understand - heads are toughest." The surgeon said, "Oh, no! The surgery went fine! John suffocated in that plastic bag!"

A Stanford research group advertised for participants in a study of obsessive-compulsive disorder. They were looking for therapy clients who had been diagnosed with this disorder. The response was gratifying; they got 3,000 responses about three days after the ad came out.

All from the same person.

The head doctors in an insane asylum had a meeting and decided that one of their patients was potentially well. So they decide to test him and take him to the movies. When they get to the movie theater, there are signs of wet paint pointing to the benches. The doctors just sit down, but the patient puts a newspaper down first and then sits down. The doctors get all excited cause they think maybe he's in touch with reality now. So they ask him, " Why did you put the newspaper down first?" He answers, "So I'd be higher and have a better view."

A guy walks into the psychiatrist's and says "Doctor, doctor, you've got to help me! I keep thinking that I'm a deck of cards!" The shrink says "Sit over there and I'll deal with you later."

Doctor: What's the condition of the boy who swallowed the quarter?
Nurse: No change yet.

Doctor: You only have six months to live.
Man: I can't pay the bill.
Doctor: Alright, I'll give you another six months.

A man goes to the doctor and says to the doctor:
"It hurts when I press here" (pressing his side)
"And when I press here" (pressing the other side)
"And here" (his leg)
"And here, here and here" (his other leg, and both arms)

So the doctor examined him all over and finally discovered what was wrong... "You've got a broken finger!"

Doctors' Chart Bloopers:

1. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
2. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.
3. Father died in his 90's of female trouble in his prostate and kidneys.
4. Skin: Somewhat pale but present.
5. The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor.
6. Vomiting of unknown origin.
7. Admitted in error.
8. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
9. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
10. Patient has two teenage children but no other abnormalities.
11. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
12. Dr. Blank is watching his prostate.
13. If he squeezes the back of his neck for 4 or 5 years it comes and goes.

A distraught man ran into the doctor's office.
"Doc!" The man screamed, "I've lost my memory!"
"When did this happen?" asked the doctor.
The man looked at him and said, "When did what happen?"

"Microsoft 911", or "Healthcare At Your Fingertips"

Well, after almost an hour on the phone with Microsoft Tech Support, and I do believe that I've personally talked to roughly half of their total workforce during that hour, the person who I finally got to said he doesn't know anything (about my problem, that is) so he'll try to get me a response within 24-48 hours. Now this is typical, even acceptable, but with Microsoft's recent expansion into things like home entertainment, cable TV, and satellite communications, along with the new health care reform, this has some pretty frightening possibilities...

Imagine if you have a Microsoft-run 911 line...

Disembodied voice: Welcome to Microsoft 911! If you are calling from a touch-tone phone, please press 1 now...

Caller: *1*

Disembodied Voice: *excruciating pause* Microsoft 911 provides 90 days of free emergency support. This 90--day period begins when you are conceived. If you have not yet been conceived, press one. If you have been conceived but are still under the ninety-day free support period, press two. If you...

Caller: *frantically* *3*

Disembodied voice: Welcome to Microsoft 911! While you are holding, please consider our alternative support options. If you would like faxed medical information on common emergency conditions, you can call out FaxTips line at. . .

*ring*

New Voice: Hello, Microsoft 911. May I have a daytime phone number?
Caller: *weakly* I've been shot...
New Voice: That's right, sir. Could I have your daytime telephone number?
Caller: 555-6712.
New Voice: Thank you...

*pause*

* anaesthetic elevator music*

Yet Another Voice: And that was Andy Barzell, with "Moon Over LA" from his upcoming City Lights disc, on the Trauma Records label. Now we'll go over some of our hold times for the emergency support groups. There are four people waiting in the Vehicular Accidents group; the longest hold time there is 10 minutes, twelve seconds. Nine people are holding in the Gunshot Wounds group, with a longest wait time of twenty minutes, four seconds. The Terrorist Bombing group has two callers waiting with a longest wait time of ten minutes, and the Hunting Accidents group...

Caller: *thud*

One More Voice: Hello, Microsoft Gunshot Wound Emergency Assistance... Hello?

THESE ARE ACTUAL EXCERPTS FROM STUDENT SCIENCE EXAM PAPERS:

• The theory of evolution was greatly objected to because it made man think.
• Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars.
• The process of turning steam back into water again is called conversation.
• A magnet is something you find crawling all over a dead cat.
• The Earth makes one resolution every 24 hours.
• To collect fumes of sulfur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.
• Parallel lines never meet, unless you bend one or both of them.
• Algebraical symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about.
• A circle is a line which meets its other end without ending.
• The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
• The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader.
• English sparrows and starlings eat the farmers grain and soil his corpse.
• A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.
• Blood flows down one leg and up the other.
• The hookworm larvae enters the human body through the soul.
• When you haven't got enough iodine in your blood you get a glacier.
• It is a well-known fact that a deceased body harms the mind.
• For fractures: to see if the limb is broken, wiggle it gently back and forth.
• For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.
• For nosebleed: put the nose much lower than the body.
• For drowning: climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artificial perspiration.
• To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.
• For head colds: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat.
• For asphyxiation: apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.
• Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.
• Bar magnets have north and south poles, horseshoe magnets have east and west poles.
• When water freezes you can walk on it. That is what Christ did long ago in wintertime.
• When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.

He finally invested in a hearing aid after becoming virtually deaf. It was one of those invisible hearing aids.
"Well, how do you like your new hearing aid?" asked his doctor.
"I like it great. I've heard sounds in the last few weeks that I didn't know existed."
"Well, how does your family like your hearing aid?"
"Oh, nobody in my family knows I have it yet. Am I having a great time! I've changed my will three times in the last two months."