Humor Page: Lawyer and Law

What is it with these hi-tech companies and their silly lawsuits? First you have Digital suing Intel, then Intel countersuing, and now Oracle and Informix mixing it up. Don't these guys have anything better to do? Apparently not, as our list of top computer lawsuits indicates:

• Oracle's Larry Ellison sues Bill Gates: unfair to have more money than I!
• Car Thieves' Union sues HotWired.com: trademark infringement
• NetJet sues ValuJet for ruining a perfectly good product name
• EPA sues AOL for polluting landfills with all those CDs
• Used Car Dealer Association sues Packard Bell: "That was our idea!"
• Microsoft files antitrust suit against U.S. government: "They run everything!"
• U.S. Milk Advisory Board sues Gateway over new slogan: "Got computers?"
• Worldcom's female employees files suit against an adult magazine for unfair treatment comparing to Enron's female employees.

A man was sued by a woman for defamation of character. She charged that he had called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined.

After the trial he asked the judge, "This means that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?" The judge said that was true.

"Does this mean I cannot call a pig Mrs. Johnson?" the man asked. The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig Mrs. Johnson with no fear of legal action.

The man looked directly at Mrs. Johnson and said, "Good afternoon, Mrs. Johnson."

A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone:

"Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer."

The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone. However he suggested an alternative. He would inscribe,

"Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer."

That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark: "That's Strange!"

A lawyer was on his deathbed in his bedroom, and he called to a minister. The minister rushed in and asked, "What can I do for you?" He told him that he wanted to read the Bible as soon as possible. Being amazed, the minister handed him the Bible. The lawyer snatched it from him and began quickly scanning pages, his eyes darting right and left. The minister was curious and asked, "What are you doing, sir?"

"I'm looking for loopholes!" shouted the lawyer.

DID YOU KNOW IN California ...

That San Francisco has an ordinance banning picking up used confetti to throw again.

In Blythe, a city ordinance declares that a person must own at least two cows before he is permitted to wear cowboy boots in public.

And Brawley passed a resolution forbidding snow within the city limits.

A Stockton law of 1926 makes it illegal to wiggle while dancing.

San Francisco prohibits elephants from strolling down Market Street unless they are on a leash.

But in Belvedere, a City Council order reads: "No dog shall be in a public place without its master on a leash."

In Hanford, people may not interfere with children jumping over water puddles.

The California Paiute Indian Reservation's laws forbid a mother-in-law to spend more than thirty days a year with her children.

Babies in Los Angeles are forbidden to ride in a grocery pushcart with food their mothers have been buying.

Los Angeles law also forbids hunting moths under a street light, and says that you can't drive more than two thousand sheep down Hollywood Boulevard at one time.

L.A. also prohibits pickle-making at any point within the city's jurisdiction where its aroma might offend the nostrils of passersby.

But an L.A. judge rules that "A private citizen may snore with immunity in his own home, even though he may be in possession of unusual and exceptional ability in that particular field."

In Berkeley it's against the law to be caught smoking, or with matches in your possession, while out fishing. You also can't whistle for your lost canary before 7 a.m.

It is unlawful to plant vegetables in California cemeteries, or to pick feathers from live geese, or to sell snakes on the street.

It's a misdeameanor to detain a homing pigeon in California.

A Glendale ordinance permits horror films to be shown only on Mondays, Tuesdays or Wednesdays.

Seattle's Saturday newspaper carried a front-page story about Bill Gates' most recent traffic ticket. Rather than pay the $47 fine for turning left against *three* "No Left Turn" signs, he had his lawyers challenge the legality of the sign! And not only that sign; they asked the city to prove it has the legal right to post any traffic signs!! Can you believe it. The challenge didn't work, but the city was so slow about proving the signs okay--it's not like they do it every day -- the traffic judge dismissed the ticket.

A friend of mine won't get a divorce, because he hates lawyers more than he hates his wife.

The two partners in a law firm were having lunch when suddenly one of them jumped up and said, "I have to go back to the office - I forgot to lock the safe!" The other partner replied, "What are you worried about? We're both here."

A man sat down at a bar, looked into his shirt pocket, and ordered a double scotch. A few minutes later, the man again peeked into his pocket and ordered another double. This routine was followed for some time, until after looking into his pocket, he told the bartender that he's had enough. The bartender said, "I've got to ask you - what's with the pocket business?" The man replied, "I have my lawyer's picture in there. When he starts to look honest, I've had enough."

The day after a verdict had been entered against his client, the attorney rushed to the judge's chambers, demanding that the case be reopened. He said that he had new evidence that made a huge difference in his defense. "What new evidence could you have?" said the judge. The attorney replied, "My client has an extra $10,000, and I just found out about it!"

Mr. Smith was briefing his client, who was about to testify in his own defense. "You must swear to tell the complete truth. Do you understand?" The client replied that he did. Then lawyer then asked, "Do you know what will happen if you don't tell the truth?" The client looked back and said, "I imagine that our side will win."

A lawyer was filling out a job application when he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" He answered, "no."
The next question, intended for people who had answered "yes" in the last question, was "Why?" The lawyer answered it anyway: "Never got caught."

A man woke up in a hospital bed and called for his doctor. He asked "Give it to me straight. How long have I got?" The physician replied that he doubted that his patient would survive the night. The man then said "Call for my lawyer." When the lawyer arrived, the man asked for his physician to stand on one side of the bed, while the lawyer stood on the other. The man then laid back and closed his eyes. When he remained silent for several minutes, the physician asked what he had in mind. The man replied "Jesus died with a thief on either side, and I thought I'd check out the same way."

Kid 1: "I went to the library to photocopy this book and I saw a sign that said copying of materials may violate the copyright law, so I didn't copy it."
Kid 2: "That sounds awfully honest, but what did you do?"
Kid 1: "I stole the book."

A lawyer was asked if he like to become a Jehovah's Witness. He declined, as he hadn't seen the accident, but would still be interested in taking the case.

When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law before the criminal gets arrested, we call him an accomplice. When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law after the criminal gets arrested, we call him a defense lawyer.

In Atlanta's Fulton County Jail in November, inmates were watching one of their favorite shows, "America's Most Wanted," when a photo came on the screen of a man wanted for murder and arson. Several heads turned around to Jessie Lee Baker, 27, and one inmate said, "Hey, that's you!" Inmates notified authorities, who called the show's producers to report Baker's whereabouts and put the inmates names in for the reward.

In May of 1994, the Michigan Court of Appeals affirmed a lower-court decision dismissing Richard Overton's $10,000 1991 lawsuit against Anheuser-Busch for false advertising. Overton said he suffered physical and mental injury and emotional distress because the implicit promises in the company advertisements, especially of success with women, did not come true for him when he drank their product, and that besides that, he sometimes got sick when he drank.

We recently hired a foreign graduate with a Ph.D. in Math. His diploma had it printed in bold DOCTOR OF PHILOSOPHY. When the hiring manager went to the high flying company immigration lawyer regarding his visa, the lawyer got mad at the hiring manager saying that how the hell can he justify, to the labor department, hiring a Philosophy major for a state-of-the-art high-tech software development job.

He was prosecuted.
The judge asked him "Don't you need a lawyer ?"
"No, I don't need any, I'm going to tell the truth."

After successfully passing the bar exam, a man opened his own law office. He was sitting idle at his desk when his secretary announced that a Mr. Jones had arrived to see him. "Show him right in!" our lawyer replied. As Mr. Jones was being ushered in our lawyer had an idea. He quickly picks up the phone and shouts into it "..and you tell them that we won't accept less then fifty thousand dollars, and don't even call me until you agree to that amount!" Slamming the phone down he stood up and greeted Mr. Jones; "Good Morning, Mr. Jones, what can I do for you?"

"I'm from the phone company" Mr. Jones replied, "I'm here to connect your phone."

A small, uncertain, and nervous witness was being cross-examined.

The lawyer thundered, "Have you ever been married?"

"Yes, sir," said the witness in a low voice. "Once."

"Whom did you marry?"

"Well, a woman."

The lawyer said angrily, "Of course you married a woman. Did you ever hear of anyone marrying a man?"

And the witness said meekly, "My sister did."

While OJ Simpson was riding in the white bronco, he was talking on the cellular phone to Rodney King.

OJ to Rodney: "Man, me 'n Al are out here on the freeway and there must be 50 cops following us..."

Rodney to OJ: "Bro, whatever you do, don't get out of the car!"

The guy who shot up the two abortion clinics turned himself in today, said it was all a mistake. He thought they were post offices.