Humor Page: international

Susan had just returned to the United States from a month-long trip to Asia. She'd been to China, Hong Kong, Singapore, Malaysia, and India. John picked her up at the airport and asked, "So, how was your trip?"

"Oh, it was terrible," she replied, "everywhere I went, the whole place was just full of foreigners and minorities."

Seems there was a barber in New York by the name of Jo Hariboldi. Jo loved to brag to his customers that he, "knows everybody who's anybody." The walls of the shop are resplendent with autographed pictures of celebrities and notables.

One regular customer grows a little weary of hearing all the bragging, and decides to call Jo on it by telling him, "I bet you fifty bucks you don't even know Sinatra!"

"Frankie?" sez Jo, "We were childhood buddies. For the price of the airfare, I'll take you to Vegas and prove it."

Being financially comfortable, the customer agrees to add the airfare to the bet, and they fly to Las Vegas and catch Frank's show. After the show, Jo takes the guy back to the dressing rooms where Sinatra greets him warmly and has them both in for drinks.

Back in New York, the customer is even more peeved at losing the bet and determines to find some way to win it back. One day he asks Jo if he knows Reagan.

"Hell," sez Jo, "I got him into pictures. For the price of the airfare, I'll prove it to you."

So off they go to DC, where they join the daily tour of the White House. As they stroll through the East Wing, a door opens and old Ronnie steps out, surrounded by G-men. He spots Jo, pushes his way past the Secret Service guys, and embraces him like old times.

Back in New York again, the customer decides to have one last all-out attempt at retribution.

"Hey, Jo," he says. "I'll bet you don't know the Pope. Heck, he ain't even Italian this time around!"

"You betcha I do," sez Jo, "and for the price of the airfare", etc.

They jet to the Vatican and arrive at St. Peter's basilica during one of the large open-air masses the Pope conducts from a balcony. The piazza is packed with pilgrims, rosaries in hand, waiting for services to start. Jo and the customer are sandwiched between some sweet little old Italian senoras.

Jo turns to the customer and says, "This is gonna be tough. I don't think I can get us both into the chambers before Mass starts, but I'll tell you what. You keep an eye on that balcony up there, 'cuz that's where the Pope says Mass from. I'm going inside to meet him, and then I'll be back."

With that, Jo elbows his way off into the crowd. Left alone, the customer soon sees a small figure appear at the balcony and begin the ceremony. Soon a second figure joins him, and they turn and hug each other warmly. Pondering all this, the customer speculates that:

he is so far away he can't really make out either of them and
Jo has won so much money from him that he could conceivably stage the whole thing.

With that in mind, he nudges the little old lady next to him, who looks up from her rosary.

"Excuse me, senora, but can you tell me, is that REALLY the Pope up there?"

The old woman squints hard in the direction of the balcony and responds, "I'm not sure, but the other fella with him is Jo Hariboldi!"

An old woman is riding a crowded bus and has to stand with her heavy packages. Finally, someone in front of her gives up a seat and so she grabs it.
"Thank God," she says.
A man in the seat behind her says "Ecxuse me comerade, but this is an athiest society. You should say 'Thank Stalin,' not 'Thank God.'"
"Of course you are right," the old woman says. "Thank Stalin." She is silent for a moment, then says: "Comerade, I have just had a terrible thought:
What shall we say when Stalin dies?"
The man behind her replies "In that case I think we can say 'Thank God.'"

Question: How many Russians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Answer: It will never be known; the Kremlin will not allow the information to go out of the country.

Overheard in Moscow:

What is the difference between Russian Optimist, Pessimist and Realist?

An American tourist is visiting Russia, and he's talking with a Russian about the fact that not many people in Russia own cars.

A man in Russia gets a ticket allowing him to buy a car. He sits down with the car dealer and picks out the basic car and then a few options. The car dealer says the car will be ready in ten years. The man wants to know if it will be ready in the morning or the afternoon. The car dealer is a bit surprised, "Why do you care? It's ten years away." "Well the plumber is coming in the morning."

A line of Russian soldiers stands in front of a huge rectangular hole in the ground.

The Sergant commands to the first soldier in the line:
-- "Private Ivanov!"
-- "Yes, sir!" Replied the soldier who is standing like this:"

-- "Jump!!"
Then, the soldier jumps into the hole.

The sergant commands to the next soldier:
-- "Private Pyetrov!!"
-- "Yes, sir!" Who is standing like this:

-- " Jump!"

Again, the soldier jumps and falls into the hole.

The sergant commands again:
-- " Private Sidorov!!"
-- " Yes, sir!" Who is standing like this:

At this point, a colonel arrives on a car. The Colonel, very angry, comes up to the Sergant and yells: "Comrad Sergant, how many times do I have to tell you: STOP PLAYING TETRIS WITH THE SOLDIERS !!!"

Monday morning God decided that the world had reached the point of no return. So, he called Bill Clinton, Boris Yeltsin, and Bill Gates to the gates of heaven. He informed them of his decision and told them to go back to their people and prepare them for the end of the world on Thursday.

Boris Yeltsin gets on state television and tells his people that he has bad news and worse news. After decades of telling the Soviet citizens that there is no God, he now realizes that he was wrong. He has seen God with his own eyes. Worse yet, God has decided to destroy the world and each person needs to prepare for Thursday as each sees fit.

Bill Clinton calls a press conference and says that he has good news and bad news. After centuries of telling the US citizens that there is a God, he has proof that we've been right. He has seen God with his own eyes. But the bad news is that God has decided to destroy the world and each person needs to prepare for Thursday as each sees fit.

Bill Gates calls an all-hands meeting. He says that he has wonderful news and even more wonderful news. God, by calling him to the gates of heaven with the leaders of the two most powerful nations in the world, has just confirmed how important Bill Gates really is. The even better news is that on Thursday, Netscape will stop shipping Netscape Internet browsers.

How does the Soviet Constitution differ from the American?

Under the Soviet Constitution citizens are guaranteed freedom of speech, but under the United States constitution they are guaranteed freedom after speech.

An American who finds himself in Moscow wants to know the time. He sees a man approaching him carrying two heavy suitcases and asks the fellow if he knows the correct time.

"Certainly," says the Russian, setting down the two bags and looking at his wrist. "It is 11:43 and 17 seconds. The date is Feb. 13, the moon is nearing its full phase and the atmospheric pressure stands at 992 hectopascals and is rising."

The visitor is dumbfounded but manages to ask if the watch that provides all this information is Japanese. No, he is told, it is "our own, a product of Soviet Technology."

"Well, that is wonderful, you are to be congratulated."

"Yes," the Russian answers, straining to pick up the suitcases, "but these batteries are still a little heavy."

After a round of talks, Nixon and Brezhnev drink a little vodka and get into a discussion.

NIXON: I hear you have a lot of drunks in the Soviet Union.

BREZHNEV: Not so! That's capitalist propaganda!

NIXON: No, I'm sure of it. You have a lot of drunks!

BREZHNEV: Nonsense. I'll prove it. You can go out at any hour of the night tonight, and I'll give you a machine gun. If you see any drunk you can kill him!

NIXON: Ahhh! Very good... (Evil smile)

That night, at 1am, Nixon decides to go out. Brezhnev phones Andropov, who is head of the KGB, and tells him to get all the drunks off the street. So Nixon and Brezhnev go cruising around Moscow, Nixon carrying the machine gun in his lap. They drive for two hours - and not a single drunk. Nixon is in the throws of despair, and they are about to head back in, when he spots one lone drunk - staggering everywhere - who has escaped the dragnet.

Nixon rolls down the window and blows the guy away.

Three months later, Brezhnev comes to the U.S., and after negotiating with Nixon, they have some Vodka again.

BREZHNEV: Dick, I hear you Americans are a bunch of drunks.

NIXON: Not true. We're hard working people.

BREZHNEV: That's not what I heard. I want the same deal I gave you, machine gun and all. At 1:00.

So Nixon calls the police and the FBI and tells them to get all the drunks off the road. The two of them go cruising around in a limo, Brezhnev with a machine gun on his lap. Three hours - absolutely nothing. Brezhnev was tired and says, "Okay, Dick, you win. I'm tired. Let's go home."

Suddenly, as they're heading back to the White House, they see a group of 11 people walking down the street, blitzed out of their minds.

Belated, Brezhnev rolls down the window and blows them all away.

Headline next morning in the Washington Post:

FANATIC KILLS ENTIRE STAFF OF SOVIET EMBASSY!

Brezhnev was being shown the US pentagon. At the end of his tour, he noticed a red door. "What's in there?" he asked Nixon.

"Oh, that's a secret," Nixon replied.

"But you promised to show me everything, Dick!" whined Brezhnev.

"Okay," agrees Nixon, and takes a key out of his pocket and opens the door. Inside is a red telephone.

"What's that?"

"It's a hot-line to Hell," replies Nixon.

"No way," says Brezhnev, "I don't believe you!"

"Try it," replied Nixon.

Brezhnev picks up the phone, and a voice answers:

"Hi! It's the Devil! This is Hell!"

Brezhnev is shocked and hangs up the phone, but as he's leaving, Nixon says, "That'll be $55 for the phone call."

"$55!" exclaims Brezhnev, "why so expensive - anyway, here is $55."

Brezhnev goes back to the Soviet Union and yells at his generals. "You idiots! You know what the Americans have? A hot-line to hell! Why don't we?"

"We do," they reply, and show him a similar door with a phone. He picks it up and sure enough - "Hi! It's the Devil! This is Hell!"

As he hangs up, the general says, "That will be 2 Copeks, Comrade."

"Why so cheap? In America it was $55!"

"That's because here it's a local call."

At the Olympics in the Soviet Union, Brezhnev started a speech at the opening ceremonies. He began as follows:

"Oh...." "Ooooo...." "Oh...." "Ooo...." "Ooohh."

until one of his advisors quietly pointed out that the Olympic symbol was not a part of the speech to read.

Brezhnev called in all the Soviet cosmonauts, and in an effort to surpass the U.S. in the Space race, said, "Comrades, I have a plan to overtake the U.S. in Space exploration - you will land on the sun!"

"But Comrade Brezhnev," they complained, "we'll burn up!"

"Do you take me for a fool," he asked, "you'll land at night!"

Brezhnev goes off to India and meets with Indira Ghandi. When he comes back he has a dot painted on his forehead, in the Indian tradition.

Everyone asks him why he had the dot put on.

"Well," he replies, "when I met with Indira, at one point during our conversation, she turned to me and said, pointing to her head, 'You know something, Brezhnev? You're missing something - right here.'"

A man was arrested one night for running across Red Square yelling "Khrushchev is a fool! Khrushchev is a fool!"

He was arrested and given 10 years - 5 for slandering the leader, and 5 for revealing a state secret.

1950's. Khrushchev receives an urgent cable from Mao: DEAR COMRADE KHRUSHCHEV. CHINESE PEOPLE STARVING. SEND FOOD.

Khrushchev cables back: DEAR COMRADE MAO. REGRET STARVING CHINESE. HAVE NO SURPLUS FOOD. TIGHTEN BELTS.

To which he receives the following reply from Mao: SEND BELTS.

When Jimmy Carter came up with the idea of the neutron bomb (to kill people but leave buildings standing), I wasn't sure what the logic was - I mean, what was the use of all these buildings if no body was around to use them. But the serious drinkers of the Soviet Union thought it was a wonderful idea.

"Just think of it," they said, "a full liquor store and no lines!"

Living in Moscow in 1977, there was a report on the short-wave radio that some Soviet musician had defected in New York. The NEXT DAY, somebody said to me, "You know what a Soviet trio is? -- A Soviet quartet returning from New York."

America, Russia and Japan are sending up a two year shuttle mission with one astronaut from each country. Since it's going to be two years up there, each may take any form of entertainment weighing 150 pound or less.

The American approaches the NASA board and asks to take his 125 lb wife. They approve.

The Japanese astronaut says, "I've always wanted to learn Greek. I want 150 lbs of books to learn Greek with." The NASA board approves.

The Russian astronaut thinks for a second and says, "It's gonna be two years up there. I want 150 pounds of the best Cuban cigars ever made." Again, NASA okays it.

Two years later, the shuttle lands and everyone is gathered outside the shuttle to see what each astronaut got out of his personal entertainment. Well, it's obvious what the American's been up to, He and his wife are each holding an infant. The crowd cheers. The Japanese astronaut steps out and makes a 10 minute speech in absolutely perfect Greek. The crowd doesn't understand a word of it, but they're impressed and they cheer. The Russian astronaut stomps out, clenches the podium until his knuckles turn white, glares at the first row waving a chewed up cigar at them and says:

"Anybody got a match?"

A good friend of mine was recently touring Scotland. After stopping in a local store he spied a kilt that he absolutely had to have. After haggling with the shopkeeper for an extended period of time, they arrived at a mutually agreeable price far below that which was posted. My friend then took out his velcro wallet and proceeded to open it, at which point the shopkeeper exclaimed "Ay, now that is a good Scotch purse, it even screams when ye open it!"

A Soviet architect was on a trip abroad. A foreign architect invited him to his home. He showed his Soviet guest around the house.

"This is the hall," he explained, "and this is the living room. This is my study, those are the children's bedrooms, this is the master bedroom, and this is a spare room for visitors. Then there are the kitchen, the dining room and two bathrooms."

"It is a very good arrangement," said the Soviet guest.

"What sort of arrangement do you have?"

"Much the same, only without the partitions."

Helmut Kohl and his top ministers are in an important meeting when one of the aides comes in and whispers in Helmut's ear that he is wanted on the phone. Kohl excuses himself, and comes back ten minutes later looking very sad and shocked.
- "What's wrong Helmut? asks one of the ministers."
- "It's a bad day for my family," says he, "I've just heard that my father died this morning."
Naturally everyone is very sympathetic, but Kohl suggest they go on with the meeting anyway.
Half an hour later Kohl has go leave for another phone call, and when he comes back again, he manages to look even more upset than before.
- "What's wrong now Helmut?"
- "This is truly a bad day for my family," he replies, "That was my brother on the phone, and HIS father has died too!"

There were three people on the world trade center.
A Canadian, an American, and a Ukrainian.
The American said "On this building there is a cool phenomenon. You can jump off the edge of the building and the wind will place you back on the edge perfectly safe."
The Ukrainian went,"I don't believe you!"
Then the American said, "Watch!"
He jumped off the edge fell till he almost hit the ground and came back up on to the edge of the building perfectly safe. Then the Ukrainian said, "O.K. how does this work I am not dumb you know."
Then the American replied,"I don't know, it just works."
Then the Ukrainian said, "Do it again I want to take a better look."
The American jumped off the edge again fell almost all the way to the ground and came back up to the edge safely again.
Then the Ukrainian said, "Looks fun! I am going to try it."
He jumped off the edge ...
he was falling ... falling ... falling ... smashed.

The Canadian said, "Gee! Superman you sure can be an as*hole when you are drunk."

I just heard about a group of US tourists who came back from the Soviet Union. They visited Lenin's Tomb, which is one of the most important monuments in the Kremlin. Although the line was long, the foreigners were allowed to go to the front of the line. As they were allowed to enter, one 20 year old woman was not allowed to go in because she wore a short sleeved blouse. (It was in the summer) She couldn't figure out why such a rule existed.

Later on, she asked her travel guide about the rule, and was told that the Soviet constitution does not guarantee the right to *bare arms*.

So a Texan goes touring in Australia. He wants to see some of the local agriculture.

His guide shows him a grove of grapefruit. The Texan laughs: "Why, in Texas, we've got lemons bigger'n that!"

His guide shows him a patch of watermelons. The Texan laughs again: "Why, in Texas, we've got cucumbers bigger'n that!"

His guide shows him an apple orchard. The Texan laughs a third time: "Why, in Texas, we've got cherries bigger'n that!"

Suddenly, a herd of kangaroos runs across the road. The Texan jumps up, startled. "What in the world was that?"

His guide answers, in a quiet, matter-of-fact voice: "Mice."

After about 15 years of cold war between the Russians and the Chinese. Breznev finally decided to break the ice and offered to visit China then under Mao Tse Tung. After a red carpet reception they finally sat down to discuss business across the table (so to say). Here's how the conversation went.

Breznev: Well as an offer of friendship i'll offer you some commodities you may need
Mao: Thank you Mr. Brenev, we will accept your offer.
Breznev: What do you request then?
Mao: To begin with we would like a billion $'s in hard currency.
Breznev: (after quickly consulting with his advisors) so be it
Mao: A million tons of steel
Breznev: o.k
Mao: A million tons of potatoes.
Breznev: (a little surprised) o.k.
Mao: Two million tons of rice
Breznev: (After consulting his advisors) No, I'm quiet sorry that is not possible!
Mao: (rather surprised by the emphatic No) Why not?
Breznev: (In a condescending tone) They don't grow rice in *POLAND* Mr. Mao

If two Germans alone on a desert island ... they start fighting and arguing within an hour.

If two Chinese alone on a desert island ... they are still not talking after two years, they haven't been introduced yet.

If two Americans alone on a desert island ... both instigate legal action against the other for trespass.

Why hasn't anyone from Mexico ever won an Olympic Gold Medal?

All of their best runners, jumpers and swimmers are in the United States.

A man walks into a Chinese restaurant but is told by the maitred' that there will be at least a twenty minute wait, would he like to wait in the bar. He goes into the bar and the bartender says, "What'll it be?" The man replies, "Give me a Stoli with a twist." The bartender squints at him for a few seconds, then smiles and says, "Once upon time was *four* little pig..."

It seems this Czechoslovakian went to the optometrist to have his eyes checked.

Anyway, the doctor pointed over at the wall chart and asked him if he could read the bottom line.

He replied, "The bottom line ... hey ... I know the guy!"

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In Russia, it's very hard to get vodka. There are very very long lines. So one day, these two friends, Ivan and Michael, are standing in line for vodka. They've been there for four hours. Ivan just can't stand it any longer, so he says to Michael, "I'm going to take my gun and go shoot Gorbachov!" He's gone for an hour, and when he comes back Michael says, "Well, did you kill him?" Ivan replied, "No, that line was even longer!"

A man decided to conduct a world wide poll
He asked a Texan "Excuse me, what's your opinion on the meat shortage?"
He got "What's a shortage?"
He went to Poland, asked same the question and got "What's meat?"
He went to Russia, asked same the question and got "What's an opinion?"
He went to New York, asked the same question and got "What's an excuse me?"

Copyright 1995-2003 Southwest Chinese Baptist Church
Last modified: February 20, 2003