The Next Olympics in Houston ...

In an attempt to influence the members of the International Olympic Committee on their choice of venue for the games in the year 2020, the organizers of Houston's bid have already drawn up an itinerary and schedule of events.

A copy has been obtained and is reproduced below.

OPENING CEREMONY

THE EVENTS

100 METERS SPRINT

Competitors will have to hold a VCR and a car stereo (one in each arm) and on the sound of the starting gun, a police dog will be released from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes.

400 METERS HURDLES

As above but with added obstacles (ie. taxicabs, trash cans, backyard fences, shopping carts, ... etc.)

HIGH JUMP

Barbed wires like those used in state jails are added, electrifying is optional.

HAMMER THROW

Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to use (claw, sledge etc) the winner will be the one who can cause the most grievous bodily harm to members of the public within the time allowed.

FENCING

Crow bars, broken beer bottles and batons are used instead of swords. During the final round, the winners will chase after the losers who are dropping all the VCR's, car stereos etc. behind them.

SHOOTING

A strong challenge is expected from the local men in this event. The first target will be a moving armored truck. In the second round, competitors will aim at a post office clerk, bank teller or convenient store cashier. The final round requires competitors sitting inside a car and driving by a residential area to shoot at their targets.

WEIGHTLIFTING

Competitors will try to life the heaviest trash can or shopping cart stuffed with weighs and throw toward a shop window. The winner will be determined by how much merchandise one can grab within a minute.

BOXING

Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams, and will take place on a basketball championship game night. The husband will be given a bottle of wine while the wife will be told not to bring him any corkscrew when the Rockets has just been behind 20 points. The bout will then commence.

WRESTLING

DWI and bomber suspects are to be let loose for 30 seconds before law enforcement officers storm in. Batons and handcuffs are not allowed in this event.

CYCLING TIME TRIALS

Competitors will be asked to go to a college campus and steal an expensive mountain bike owned by a hillbilly on his first trip away from home. All against the clock.

CYCLING PURSUIT

As above but the bike will be owned by a defensive line backer of the ex-Houston Oiler, who will witness the theft.

MODERN PENTATHLON

Amended to include mugging, breaking-in, flashing, purse snapping and drug delivering.

THE MARATHON

A safe route has yet to be decided since it is not likely held in the Memorial Park. The competitors will be issued with sharp sticks and bags with which to pick up litter on their way round the course.

SWIMMING

Competitors will choose to be either thrown off into the Bayou or thrown into the Whitewater. The first three survivors back will decide the medals and the medal will be presented by the Ex-President to the one who has survived the Whitewater.

MENS 50KM WALK

Unfortunately this will have to be canceled as the police cannot guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of Pasadena.

THE CLOSING CEREMONY

The Olympic flame will be extinguished by someone dropping an old washing machine onto it from the top floor of the apartment building next to the stadium.

The stadium will be then boarded up before the local athletes break into it and remove all the copper piping and wiring, and the equipment such as the PA system, scoreboard, big screen ... etc.