Humor Page: food

A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Houston. He said "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all of us eat it. Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I'm referring to? You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea."

The man lowered his head and said, "Wedding cake."

Thanksgiving

• Asked to write a composition entitled, "What I'm thankful for on Thanksgiving,"

  Little Timmy wrote, "I am thankful that I'm not a turkey."

• Q: What key has legs and can't open doors?

  A: A Turkey.

• A woman called 1-800-887-5397 to find out how long it would take to roast her turkey. To answer the question, the Talk-Line home economist asked how much the bird weighed. The woman responded, "I don't know, it's still running around outside."

• A lady was shopping for a turkey in a grocery store and after pawing through the freezer section and growing dissatisfied with the small ones that were left, she turned to the stock boy and asked snippishly, "Don't these turkeys get any bigger?"

  To which he calmly replied, "No madam. They're dead!"

Went to lunch with a friend today to a new chicken place. We asked how they prepare their chickens.

The answer was, "We just tell them they're going to die."

Background information:

1. Venesuela is a *very* Catholic.
2. Baked Potatoes sometimes explode if you don't pierce the skins to let the steam escape.

An American couple met, and got married while working in Venesuela.

The wife taught her Venesuelan maid how to prepare baked potatoes. In some families, people poke the uncooked potatoes with a fork, other families cut an "X" in them. In this American couple family they cut an "X" in them.

Anyway, one day the wife heard an explosion in the kitchen! She ran in to see what was going on. The maid was hysterical, and there was baked potatoe all over the oven.

"Senhora!" the maid cried. "I am so sorry, I knew how religious you were, but this time I was in a hurry, and I didn't think God would notice..."

A Jewish man moves into a Catholic neighborhood. Every Friday the Catholics go crazy because, while they're morosely eating fish, the Jew is outside barbecuing steaks. So the Catholics work on the Jew to convert him. Finally, by threats and pleading, the Catholics succeed. They take the Jew to a priest who sprinkles holy water on the Jew and intones:

    "Born a Jew
     Raised a Jew
     Now a Catholic."

The Catholics are ecstatic. No more delicious, but maddening smells every Friday evening. But the next Friday evening, the scent of barbecue wafts through the neighborhood. The Catholics all rush to the Jew's house to remind him of his new diet. They see him standing over the cooking steak. He is sprinkling water on the meat and saying:

    "Born a cow
     Raised a cow
     Now a fish."

I was in a local Subway Sandwich store the other day, and they apparently had hired several new employees who were trying *very* hard to do a good job under the watchful eyes of their trainer...

The fellow who was making my sandwich actually asked me, "And what kind of meat would you like on that roast beef sandwich, sir?"

An elderly couple takes a stroll in a shopping mall.
Wife: Dear, let's get something to eat, I am getting hungry.
Husband: Yes, dear, you just sit down, and I'll go and buy something.
Wife: But you always forget what I asked and bring something else!
Husband: Well, I promise not to forget this time. What would you like?
Wife: Bring me a vanilla ice cream cone with ...mmm...chocolate sprinkles on it.

Husband leaves and comes back with two hotdogs.
Wife: You see?! You forgot again! Remember, I told you I didn't want any mustard on my hotdog?

A blind man is sitting on a park bench. A Rabbi sits down beside him, and starts to eat some matzos (a flat thin rough surfaced unleavened bread eaten during the Passover). He gives a piece to the blind man. A couple of minutes later, the blind man says "Who wrote this junk?"

We got some coupons in the mail. One coupon with a typo reads like this:

                   $3.99
           all you can eat lunch.
           God only with coupon.

The reason computer chips are so small is that computers don't eat much.

"Just in case you think the FBI is not on the job, I have received a true intercept (and this is not made up...it is not Saturday Night Live) that the FBI made of itself while conducting an investigation in San Diego. It was sent to me by a friend of mine who used to be with counterintelligence in Washington. It is called "The FBI Pizza Call." FBI agents conducted a raid of a San Diego psychiatric hospital that was under investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours of reviewing thousands of medical records, the dozens of agents worked up quite an appetite. The agent in charge of the investigation called a nearby pizza parlor to order a quick dinner for his colleagues. The following telephone conversation took place and was recorded by the FBI because they were taping the hospital."

Agent: "Hello. I would like to order 19 large pizzas and 67 cans of soda."
Pizza Man: "And where would you like them delivered?"
Agent: "We're over at the psychiatric hospital."
Pizza Man: "To the psychiatric hospital?"
Agent: "That's right. I'm an FBI agent."
Pizza Man: "You're an FBI agent?"
Agent: "That's correct. Just about everybody here is."
Pizza Man: "And you're at the psychiatric hospital?"
Agent: "That's correct. And make sure you don't go through the front doors. We have them locked. You will have to go around the back to the service entrance to deliver the pizzas."
Pizza Man: "And you say you're all FBI agents?"
Agent: "That's right. How soon can you have them here?"
Pizza Man: "And everyone at the psychiatric hospital is an FBI agent?"
Agent: "That's right. We've been here all day, and we're starving."
Pizza Man: "How are you going to pay for all of this?"
Agent: "I have my checkbook right here."
Pizza Man: "And you're all FBI agents?"
Agent: "That's right. Everyone here is an FBI agent. Can you remember to bring the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the rear? We have the front doors locked."
Pizza Man: "I don't think so."
[Click]

The local board of health closed down the Wing Wah Chinese Restaurant in Houston, Texas, briefly in August for various violations. The most serious, said officials, was the restaurant's practice of draining water from cabbage by putting it in cloth laundry bags, placing them between two pieces of plywood in the parking lot, and driving over them with a van. Said Health Inspector Jay Domas, "I've seen everything now ... and I won't order no more egg-rolls in a Chinese restaurant."

A guy walks into a restaurant and orders soup. It takes a while before the soup arrives, and when it arrives - it is too hot. While waiting for the soup, the guy starts feeling he has to go to the bathroom. `Now, while I'm in the bathroom, somebody might just come and eat the soup.' thinks the guy, ` What can I do?'. Then he has this flash of insight, and he pulls out a piece of paper and a pen and writes:

`I spat into the soup!'.

After putting the sign right next to the soup, our clever guy runs joyfully to the bathroom. When he returns, he sees an addition in pencil underneath what he wrote:

`Me too'.

You know what they say about Sprite ...

Two-thirds of it is Spit.

Heard about the new restaurant on the Moon?

Good food, but no atmosphere!