Humor Page: family

The teen-aged beauty was telling a friend that she was really worried about her mother. It seems she's always fatigued from staying up all night long.

Her friend asked, "What's she doing staying up all night? At her age, that's not good at all."

The girl replied, "Waiting for me to come home."

• My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food ... she goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays. "
• I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
  She said, "Some where I have never been!"
  I told her, "How about the kitchen?"
• She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?"
  "No, jump in!" said the truck driver.

Realizing that their home just wasn't big enough with the new baby in the house, Little Johnny's parents discussed moving to a bigger one. Little Johnny sat patiently listening to his parents, then piped in, "It's no use. He'll just follow us anyway."

"Darling," whispered a frail little husband from his chair.

"I'm very sick, would you please call me a vet?"

"A vet? Why do you want a vet and not a medical doctor?" asked his wife.

The husband replied, "Because I work like a horse, live like a dog, and have to sleep with a silly cow!"

Grandma & Grandpa were on the porch, and Grandpa said, "You know, honey, I'd sure like a big bowl of ice cream."

"OK, my dear", she said, as she shuffled off toward the kitchen.

"Wait, write it down," he said, "... you'll forget"

"Com'on, don't be silly, I can handle that"

"Write it down" he said, "'cause I want some chocolate syrup on it too." he insisted.

"Don't worry, ice cream with chocolate syrup, right?" she said, as she walked into the kitchen.

Ten, 15, 20 minutes passed and finally Grandma came out & handed Grandpa a big bowl of oatmeal.

"See, honey, what'd I tell you ... you forgot the toast!"

"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper."

"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!"

"I know all that."

"Then why did you invite a friend for supper?"

"Because the poor guy is thinking about getting married."

Several years ago, I returned home from a trip just when a storm hit, with crashing thunder and severe lightning. As I came into my bedroom about 2 a.m., I found my two children in bed with my wife, Karen, apparently scared by the loud storm. I resigned myself to sleeping in the guest bedroom that night.

The next day, I talked to the children, and explained that it was O.K. to sleep with Mom when the storm was bad, but when I was expected home, please don't sleep with Mom that night. They said okay.

After my next trip several weeks later, Karen and the children picked me up in the terminal at the appointed time. Since the plane was late, everyone had come into the terminal to wait for my plane's arrival, along with hundreds of other folks waiting for their arriving passengers. As I entered the waiting area, my son saw me, and came running shouting,

"Hi, Daddy! I've got some good news!"

As I waved back, I said loudly, "What is the good news?"

"The good news is that nobody slept with Mommy while you were away this time!" Alex shouted as loud as he could.

The airport became very quiet, as everyone in the waiting area looked at Alex, then turned to me, and then searched the rest of the area to see if they could figure out exactly who his Mom was.

Some boyscouts from a big city were on a camping trip for the first time.

The mosquitoes were so fierce, the boys had to hide under their blankets to avoid being bitten.

Then one of them saw some lightening bugs and said to his friend, "We might as well give up, now they're coming after us with flashlights!"

When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink.

I was not so pleased. I turned to Mom and said, "I'm surprised. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?"

Mom with a big smile replied, "of course I remember ..."

A large family, with seven children, moved to New York City. They were having a difficult time finding an apartment to live in. Many apartments were large enough, but the landlords objected to the large family. After several days of searching, the father asked the mother to take the four younger children to visit the cemetery, while he took the older three to find an apartment.

After they had looked most of the morning they found a place that was just right. Then the landlord asked the usual question: "How many children do you have?" The father answered with a deep sigh, "Seven ... but four are with their mother in the cemetery." ... He got the apartment!

A couple are in bed when there is a knock on the front door.

The husband rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's 3:00 in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows.

"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.

So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.

"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push??"

"No, get lost. It's three o'clock. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says,

"Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost??"

"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.

"It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be nice to help him out." So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs.

He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push??"

And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please."

So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"

And the stranger replies, "I'm over here, on your swing."

John was in his usual place, sitting at the table, reading the paper during breakfast. He came across an article about a beautiful actress who was about to marry a football player who was known primarily for his lack of IQ.

He turned to his wife with a look of bewilderment on his face. "I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives."

His wife replies, "Why, thank you, dear!"

Kids' Little Instructions on Life

• "Don't flush the toilet when your dad's in the shower." -Lamar, age 10
• "Never ask for anything that costs more than $5 when your parents are doing taxes." -Carrol, age 9
• "When your dad is mad and asks you, 'Do I look stupid?' don't answer him."-Heather, age 16
• "Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat." -Joel, age 12
• "When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone." -Alyesha, age 13
• "Never try to baptize a cat." -Laura, age 13
• "Never spit when on a roller coaster." -Scott, age 11
• "Never tell your little brother that you're not going to do what your mom told you to do." -Hank, age 12
• "Never dare your little brother to paint the family car." -Phillip, age 13
• "Remember the two places you are always welcome: church and Grandma's house." -Joanne, age 11
• "When you want something expensive, ask your grandparents." -Matthew, age 12
• "When you have something you don't need, give it to the church." -ditto

During their first date, the guy goes to the girl's house, and she shows him into the living room. She excuses herself to go to get them a drink, and as he's standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the mantel. He picks it up, and as he's looking at it, she walks back in with the drinks.

Holding up the vase, he asks "What's this?"

She says, "Oh, my father's ashes are in there ..."

He goes, "Oooh ... I ... I didn't know your father ..."

She says, "Yeah, he's too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray."

A woman called in a repairman to fix her television. Just as he finished, the woman heard her husband's key in the lock.

"Hurry," she said to the repairman, "you'll have to hide. My husband is insanely jealous."

There was no time to run out the back door, so the repairman hid inside the TV console. The husband came in and plopped down in his favorite chair to watch some football. Inside the TV, the repairman was all squashed up and getting hotter and hotter. Finally, he couldn't stand it anymore. He climbed out, marched across the room and out the front door.

The husband looked at the TV set, looked at his wife, looked back at the set again and said, "I didn't see the referee send that guy off the field, did you?

A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon, loaded with corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise.

"Hey Johnny!!" the farmer yelled. "Forget your troubles. Come into our house with us, and have a bite to eat. Then I'll help you get the wagon up."

"That's mighty nice of you," Johnny answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to."

"Aw, come on," the farmer insisted.

"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "but Pa won't like it."

After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset."

"Don't be foolish!" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is he?"

"Under the wagon."

Two mothers met for coffee one morning, and the conversation naturally turned to their kids.

"Well, Susan, how are your kids?", asks Linda.

"To tell you the truth", says Susan, "my John has married a witch! She doesn't get out of bed until 11. She's out all day spending his money on Heaven knows what, and when he gets home, exhausted, does she have a nice hot dinner for him? NO! She makes him take her out to dinner at an expensive restaurant."

"Hmmm ... and how is your daughter?", Linda asks.

"Ah!", says Susan. "Lisa has married a saint! He brings her breakfast in bed, he gives her enough money to buy all she needs, and in the evening he takes her out to dinner at a nice, fancy restaurant."

Quotes about relationship

• My wife and I were both happy for twenty something years ... then we met.
• A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
• I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
• What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds.
• Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
• The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
• People are always asking couples whose marriages have endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Robert Redford.
• At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man."
• I haven't spoken to my wife for months. I don't like to interrupt her.
• My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends.
• I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
• It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.
• Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was nearly impossible.
• How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.
• Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street bald and still think they are beautiful.
• Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the "y" becomes silent.
• When a newly married couple smiles, everyone knows why. When a ten-year married couple smiles, everyone wonders why.
• A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than mine."
• How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.

A boy was taking care of his baby sister while his parents went to town shopping. He decided to go fishing and he had to take her along.

"I'll never take her along with me again!" he told his mother that evening. "I didn't catch a thing!"

"Oh, next time I'm sure she'll be quiet and not scare the fish away," his mother said.

The boy said, "It wasn't that. She ate all the bait."

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.

The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel.

"I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.

"The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37.

"Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."

At school Little Tommy was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth."

Little Tommy decided to go home and try it out. He went home, and as he was greeted by his mother he said, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly handed him $20 and said, "Just don't tell your father."

Quite pleased, the boy waited for his father to get home from work, and greeted him with, "I know the whole truth." Tommy's father promptly handed him $50 and said, "Please don't say a word to your mother!"

Very pleased, the boy was on his way to school the next day when he saw the mailman at his front door. Little Tommy greeted him by saying, "I know the whole truth."

The mailman immediately dropped the mail, opened his arms saying, "Then come give your daddy a big hug."

A couple I know recently adopted a Chinese baby girl, and were showing her to friends. A neighbor came by to admire the baby, and asked, "But what will you do when she gets older and starts speaking Chinese?"

Three boys are at school bragging of how great their fathers are.

The first one says: "Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow, and start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the arrow".

The second one says: "Ha! You think that's fast! My father is a hunter. He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet".

The third one listens to the other two and shakes his head. He then says: "You two know nothing about fast. My father works for the city. He stops working at 4:30 and he is home by 3:45"!!

Once there was a Millionaire who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter that was single. One day he decides to throw a huge party, during the party he announces: "My dear guests, I have a proposition to every man here. I will give 1 million dollars or my daughter to the man that can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!" As soon as he finished his last word there was the sound of a large SPLASH! There was one guy in the pool swimming with all he could, the crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking. Finally he made it to the other side unharmed. The millionaire was impressed, he said "My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well I must keep my end of the bargain, which do you want my daughter of the 1 million dollars? The guy says "Listen I don't want your money! And I don't want your daughter! I just want the jerk who pushed me in that WATER!

As an extremely talkative child, I never realized how exhausting my constant chatter must have been for my family until one day at the dentist's office. The dentist informed my mother that, for a 11-year-old, I seemed to have very small teeth.

My harried mother replied, "Wind erosion."

I got a call yesterday from a typical sales rep. Actually, she wasn't so typical...

TELEPHONE: RING!
ME [picking up phone]: Hello?
SALES REP: Hello Sir, I represent a company that makes products for children and ...
ME: Excuse me, madam, ...
SALES REP: Yes?
ME: I don't have any children.
SALES REP: Do you have any grandchildren, then?

I gave up at that point...

The other day my wife, my son and I were at the beach. Tommy, at 3 years, is generally very good about being courteous and careful with other people. Like any child his age however, he occasionally has lapses. On this occasion he winged a frisbee at my wife. After he did so, I prompted him for the usual gosh-I-really-had-no-idea "Sorry."

I said, "Tommy, what do you say when you almost hit someone with something?"
He immediately replied: "Duck!"

My husband and I had just finished tucking our five young ones into bed one evening when we heard sobbing coming from three- year-old Billy's room. Rushing to his side, we found him crying hysterically. He had accidentally swallowed a penny and was sure he was going to die. No amount of talking could change his mind.

Desperate to calm him, my husband palmed a penny that he happened to have in his pocket and pretended to pull it from Billy's ear. Billy was delighted. In a flash, he snatched it from my husband's hand, swallowed it and demanded cheerfully, "Do it again, Dad!"

An insurance salesman is phoning a home owner to solicit business, and a child answers the phone:

"Excuse me, big boy, may I speak with your father?"

"No," he whispers.

"Why?"

"He's talking to a policeman," the kid says softly.

"Oh. Well then, may I speak with your mother?"

"No," the kid whispers.

"Why?"

"She's talking to a fireman," he says softly.

"You are telling me that your mother is home, your father is home, the police department is there, the fire department is there, and I can't speak to any of them!? Why not?"

"Because they're looking for me."

Rodney Dangerfield Jokes:

I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the West!

When I was born, the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm sorry, we done everything we could but he pulled through."

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

Once, when I was lost, I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid, there are so many places they can hide."

On Halloween, parents send their kids out looking like me.

I met the Surgeon General. He offered me a cigarette!

I just finished my first book. Now I am going to read another one!

I told my kid, "Some day you'll have children of your own." He told me, "So will you!"

My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chairs.

I remember one time somebody stole our car. I asked my wife if she saw what the guy looked like. She said, "No, but I got the license plate number."

My wife's not too smart. I told her our kid is spoiled. She told me a lot of kids smell that way.

Dear Editor,

I have two brothers, one works at Microsoft, the other was sentenced to death in the gas chamber. My mother died of insanity when I was three years old, my two sisters are prostitutes and my father sells drugs.

Recently, I met a girl who was released from a reformatory where she served time for smothering her illegitimate child to death. I love this girl very much and want to marry her.

My problem is this:

Shall I tell her about my brother who works at Microsoft?

Sincerely,
Larry

An American couple have five children. Their names are Rudy, Larry, Johnny, Adam, and ... Ding Kong Wong. They called their fifth child Ding Kong Wong because the survey said every 5 babies borned to this world, one of them is Chinese.

Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners?

So men can understand them.

A man had just won 10 million dollars in the lotery, and rushed to call his wife to tell her. The Hispanic maid answers the phone. The man says, "go get my wife, I've just won 10 million dollars."
"Oh senor, I cannot" said the maid.
"Go get her, I have to tell her the big news" demands the man.
"Senor, I cannot, for she is weeth anodor man" replies the maid.
"What! another man!?! ... Listen, kill them, I'll give you 1 million dollars to kill them both!" said the man.
"Oh no, I cannot", but the man finally convinces her, and while waiting on the phone, hears gunshots! "I deed eet" said the maid. The man frantically tells her to go and get rid of the gun RIGHT AWAY. She come back, said "I got reed of the gun, I throw it in the jaccuzzi"
The man said "Jaccuzzi? hmmm ... is this 222-8044?"

The following is from a sheetprinted by Baldy Sayings, 901 Arendell Street, Morehead City, NC 28557.

EXAMPLES OF UNCLEAR WRITING, SENTENCES TAKEN FROM ACTUAL LETTERS RECEIVED BY A LOCAL WELFARE DEPARTMENT TO APPLICATIONS FOR SUPPORT...

I am forwarding my marriage certificate and six children. I have seven, but one which was baptized on a half sheet of paper.

Mrs. Jones has not had any clothes for a year and has been visited by the clergy regularly.

I cannot get sick pay. I have six children. Can you tell me why?

I am glad to report that my husband who was missing is dead.

This is my ninth child. What are you going to do about it?

Please find for certain if my husband is dead. The man I am now living with can't eat or do anything until he knows for sure.

I am very annoyed to find you have branded my son illiterate. This is as dirty lie, as I was married a week before he was born.

I am fowarding my marriage certificate and three children, one of which is a mistake as you can see.

My husband got his project cut off two weeks ago and I haven't had any relief since. What are you going to do about it?

Unless I get my husband's money pretty soon I will be forced to lead an immortal life.

You have changed my little boy to a little girl. Will this make any difference.

In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.

Yesterday I bought a coconut for my 16 year old daughter. I then realized we have been living too long, to far away from nature.
She said: "This white stuff inside smells like shampoo."

The old man had died. A wonderful funeral was in progress and the country preacher talked at length of the good traits of the deceased -- what an honest man he was, and what a loving husband and kind father he was.

Finally, the widow leaned over and whispered to one of her children, "Go up there and take a look in the coffin and see if that's your pa."

"Please provide your date of death."

A letter from the Internal Revenue Service, addressed to a dead man whose widow filed a return for him in 1991.

Our dog, Longie, suddenly began barking daily at 4 a.m. Irritated and sleepy, my husband, Larry, searched the back yard for what might have disturbed this otherwise placid animal. For three days he found nothing amiss. Then the dog woke up the neighborhood at 3 a.m. with frantic barking. When Larry looked out the window, he discovered someone throwing pebbles to land near Longie. Larry hurried outside and found the culprit. Crouching on the other side of the fence was our quiet neighbor, the last man you'd suspect of wrongdoing. My husband demanded to know what he was doing. "My mother-in-law is visiting," the embarrassed neighbor explained. "If she loses her beauty sleep another night, she says she'll leave."

The old Jewish man was walking on the beach with his only grandson, when a giant wave crashes on shore, sweeping the boy out to sea. The man looks up to the heavens and says:

"Oh Lord, this is my only grandson. How can you take him away from me like this? My son will not understand. My daughter-in-law will die from grief."

Another wave comes by, and deposits the boy at the old man's feet.

The grandfather looks to the heavens again and says, "He had a hat!"

"I'm My Own Grandpa." by Ray Stevens

Many many years ago when I was twenty three, I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be. This widow had a grown-up daughter Who had hair of red. My father fell in love with her, And soon the two were wed.

This made my dad my son-in-law And changed my very life. My daughter was my mother, For she was my father's wife.

To complicate the matters worse, Although it brought me joy, I soon became the father Of a bouncing baby boy.

My little baby then became A brother-in-law to dad. And so became my uncle, Though it made me very sad.

For if he was my uncle, Then that also made him brother To the widow's grown-up daughter Who, of course, was my step-mother.

Father's wife then had a son, Who kept them on the run. And he became my grandson, For he was my daughter's son.

My wife is now my mother's mother And it makes me blue. Because, although she is my wife, She's my grandmother too.

If my wife is my grandmother, Then I am her grandchild. And every time I think of it, It simply drives me wild.

For now I have become The strangest case you ever saw. As the husband of my grandmother, I am my own grandpa!

I'm my own grandpa I'm my own grandpa It sounds crazy I know But it really is so I'm my own grandpa

Larry's mother-in-law had died, and Larry was at the mortuary to make plans for her disposition. The official asked, "Which should we do...cremate her, embalm her, or merely bury her?"

Larry answered, "All three. Let's not take any chances!"

Betty's mother was visiting her daughter and son-in-law Bill. Bill came home from work and found six vacuum cleaner salesmen outside his house. He dashed in and said, "Mom, there are six men outside who all claim they have an appointment for a vacuum cleaner demonstration!"

"That's right," the mother-in-law replied. "Now you just show them all to different rooms and let them start demonstrating."

Some comedy about mother-in-laws...NOT NECESSARILY THE TRUTH:

• Betty just got back from a pleasure trip, she took her mother-in-law to the airport.
• Why do mother-in-laws sit in the back seat of the car? To give the rear tires more traction.
• One day a wife complained, "This wall clock almost killed my mother today. If fell only seconds after she got up from the couch." The husband grunted and replied, "The stupid clock always was slow."
• Larry's mother-in-law sleeps with her glasses on. The better to see her son-in-law suffer in her dreams.
• A mother-in-law dies only when another devil is needed in h*ll.
• Mother-in-law: I baked two kinds of cookies today. Would you like to take your pick?
  Son-in-law: No thanks. I'll just use the hammer.
• The ultimate in mixed emotions - watching your mother-in-law drive over a cliff in your brand new Mercedes.

Willy was amazed at the length of the funeral procession going down Main St.

Watching for awhile, he observed that the cortege consisted entirely of men and that it was led by a man holding a Doberman pincher (dog) on a leash.

When Willy's curiosity got the better of him, he walked up to the man at the front of the line.

"Excuse me for interrupting you in your time of grief," said Willy politely, "but I've never seen such a funeral procession. Would you mind telling me who it's for."

"It's for my mother-in-law," explained the mourner. Tightening the leash, he gestured down at the dog and said, "My Doberman here killed her."

"Gee,..that's terrible" commiserated Willy. "But,...hmmmm... is there anyway you might lend me your dog for a day or so?"

The bereaved son-in-law pointed his thumb over his shoulder and answered, "Get in line."

Peter had spent a week visiting with his brother in Oklahoma. His sister-in-law and his 7-year old niece accompanied him to the airport for his flight back home. After verifying his seat number with the counter attendant, Peter came over to his relatives and stated that he'd have an additional three-hour wait.

"How come?" his 7-year old niece asked.

"My plane has been grounded," Peter explained.

"Grounded?" she said "I didn't know planes had parents."

Linda went to Arkansas to visit her in-laws and, while she was there, she went to the store. She parked the car in the parking lot next to a car with a woman sitting in it with her eyes closed and her hands behind her head. This woman looked a little out of sorts to Linda but she figured that the woman must be sleeping.

When she returned to her car a little while later, Linda saw the same woman in the same car with her eyes open but her hands were still behind her head. The woman now looked panic-stricken, so Linda tapped on the window and asked loudly, "Are you okay?"

The woman shouted back, "I've been shot in the head and I'm holding my brains in!"

Linda didn't know what to do, so she ran into the store and had the supermarket called the paramedics.

When the paramedics arrived, they had to break into the car because the door was locked. When they got in the car, they found that the woman had bread dough on the back of her head in her hands.

Apparently, a Pillsbury biscuit container had exploded in the heat of the car, making a loud explosion like that of a gun shot, and the dough hit her in the back of the head. When she reached back to feel what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She passed out from fear at first, then attempted to keep her brains in.

An old guy and a young guy are traveling on the train. The young guy asks: "Excuse me, what time is it?"

The old guy does not answer.

"Excuse me, sir, what time is it?"

The old guy keeps silent.

"Sir, I'm asking you what time is it. Why don't you answer?!"

The old guy says: "Son, the next stop is the last on this route. I don't know you, so you must be a stranger. If I answer you now, I'll have to invite you to my home. You're handsome, and I have a beautiful daughter. You will both fall in love and you will want to get married. Tell me, why would I need a son-in-law who can't even afford a watch?"

"It's just not true, Larry," his mother-in-law said, shaking her head, "it's simply not so. I have never, never made a fool out of you. I have always given you every opportunity to develop your own natural talent in that regard."

Happiness is defined as opening your refrigerator to find your mother-in-law's picture on the milk carton.

Do you know the punishment for bigamy?

Two mother-in-law's.

An elderly woman rushed up the stairs to the church, late for the wedding. An usher asked to see her invitation.

"I don't have one," she said.

"Well then, are you a friend of the groom?"

"I should say not," snapped the woman, "I'm the bride's mother."

A man was traveling down a country road when he saw a large group of people outside a house. He stopped and asked a person why the large crowd was there.

A farmer replied, "Joe's mule kicked his mother-in-law and she died."

"Well," replied the man, "she must have had a lot of friends."

"Nope," said the farmer, "we all just want to buy his mule."

A man went to a bookstore and asked to see a book titled, "How to Control Your Mother-in-Law."

"Our fiction department is in the rear, right side of the aisle," the salesman said with a smile.

Larry and Dorothy were having their usual loud and endless argument about family reunions. At last, Fred relented. "I'm awfully sorry, Sweetheart. I didn't mean all those hateful things I said about your family. As a matter of fact, I like your mother-in-law a whole lot better than I do mine."

Although up in years, Pete's mother-in-law was determined to learn how to drive. On her very first time behind the wheel, she moaned, "Pete, I don't know what to do!"

Pete hesitated, and then softly said, "Just imagine I'm doing the driving."

I bought my mother-in-law a new chair for Christmas. She unwrapped it and sat in it. Then I said "Plug it in, plug it in!"

With all these mother-in-law jokes, just where are the father-in-law jokes? Nobody seems to know, but the lack of father-in-law jokes seems to indicate just where the real, actual power rests in resolving family problems.

"Dear," said the wife. "What would you do if I died?"
"Why, dear, I would be extremely upset," said the husband. "Why do you ask such a question?"
"Would you remarry?" persevered the wife.
"No, of course not, dear" said the husband.
"Don't you like being married?" said the wife.
"Of course I do, dear" he said.
"Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
"Alright," said the husband, "I'd remarry."
"You would?" said the wife, looking vaguely hurt.
"Yes" said the husband.
"Would you sleep with her in our bed?" said the wife after a long pause.
"Well yes, I suppose I would." replied the husband.
"I see," said the wife indignantly."And would you let her wear my old clothes?"
"I suppose, if she wanted to" said the husband.
"Really," said the wife icily. "And would you take down the pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?"
"Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do."
"Is that so?" said the wife, leaping to her feet. "And I suppose you'd let her play with my golf clubs, too."
"Of course not, dear," said the husband. "She is left-handed."

Little four-year-old Jenny was looking at her new baby brother for the first time. He was fast asleep. After staring at her tiny, motionless baby brother for a few minutes, Jenny looked up at her mother and asked plaintively, "Didn't he come with batteries?"

In heaven, there are two gates for married men: The gate for married men that say that they are the boss, and; the gate for married men who admit that their wife is the boss.

Saint Peter was strolling near the two gates one afternoon. In front of the gate for married men who admit that their wife is the boss, was a big long line. In front of the gate for men who say that they are the boss was one fellow, standing all by himself.

"Say Buddy, what are you doing over by THAT gate?" inquired Saint Peter.

"Well, Saint Peter, I'm really not sure," replied the man "but this is where my wife told me to stand."

you know its Christmas when you get home from work and you find your family waiting for you at the end of your driveway with open arms and you know its not pay day.

Dad: "You're always asking questions. I'd like to know what would have happened if I'd asked as many questions when I was a boy."
Son: "Maybe you'd have been able to answer some of mine today."

There were these two professors arguing over which one had the dumber child. Each professor thought his was the bigger idiot. The first professor yells "There is no way that your son is dumber. My son has to be THE stupidest kid on Earth." The second professor says "No way, Jose. My son is the bigger idiot." The first professor says "Let me prove it to you. Hey Jake! (Jake runs to his father) I don't know if I left myself at the office or not. Would you run there and find out. If I'm there then tell me to come home and eat dinner." The son says, gleefully, "Sure dad" and runs off. The second professor not to be outdone says "Oh Yea! Watch this! Hey Sam! Come here! (Sam runs to his father) Here are two pennies. With one penny buy a car and the other buy a microwave." Sam says "OK." and leaves. The professors keep arguing.

Jay and Sam meet in the street. And they start arguing which one has the dumber father. Jay says, "Well listen. My father told me to find out if he is at the office or not. Well all he had to do was to call the office and find out himself. Two minutes and he would be done. That is stupid if I've ever heard it." Sam says "Well that is nothing. My dad told me to buy a car with one penny and a microwave with the other. But he didn't tell me which penny was for the car and which one is for the microwave."

You know you're living in a small town.....

• when you don't use turn signals because everybody knows where you're going.
• neighbors' kids play in your yard more than your own kids do.
• if you're born on June 13 and your family receives gifts from the local merchants because you're the first baby of the year.
• there is no local news section in the newspaper.
• if you speak to each dog you pass, by name ..... and he wags his tail at you
• if you dial the wrong number, and talk for 15 minutes anyway.
• you can't walk for exercise because everyone offers you a ride.
• when the biggest business in town sells farm machinery.
• if you write a check on the wrong bank and it covers you anyway.
• if you missed church on Sunday and the preacher sends you a get-well card!

HOW YOU CAN TELL WHEN IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY

• You see a "60 Minutes" news team waiting in your office.
• You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes out of the city.
• Your twin sister forgot your birthday.
• Your car horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway.
• Your boss tells you not to bother to take off your coat.
• You wake up and your braces are locked together.
• Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife.
• Your income tax check bounces.
• You put both contact lenses in the same eye.
• Your wife says "Good morning, Bill" and your name is George.

A 2nd grader comes home from school one day and tells her mom, "Today I learned how to make babies!" The mother was aghast and sent the girl upstairs to her room until the father came in. After he had talked to the daughter he told his wife, 'Yeah, she told me you just drop the Y and add IES."

Several years ago, we were having Thanksgiving dinner at my house, and my little cousin was there, as was his Grandmother. Anyway, his Grandmother wanted to show off how smart the little tyke was having him make the sounds of the animals she named.

So she started off with easy ones, what sound does a cow make? What sound does a sheep make? What sound does a dog make? This went on for about 5 minutes, getting less and less cute with each animal. My father had an idea--ask him to make the noise of a silent animal. So he says "What sound does a turtle make?" Without missing a beat, my cousin shouts....

"COWABUNGA, DUDE!!!!!"

Kids, do indeed, say the most unexpected things. Our family was on a cross country road trip and our 3 year-old son was merrily singing some song.

After a while he asked, "Mommy, sing with me?"

My wife answered no, she didn't want to. Well, the 3 year-old kept pestering her to sing until finally she said "Ask your father!"

"Dad", said the tyke. "Will you tell Mom to sing with me?"

Robert A. Chase, 45, was charged with threatening an 11-year-old boy with a knife in Madison, Wis. The boy was watching Chase play basketball with another adult when the opponent accused Chase of "traveling" (taking steps without dribbling the ball). To seek an impartial opinion, Chase asked the boy, but the boy agreed that Chase had traveled. Chase then allegedly grabbed the boy, held a knife to his throat, and asked, "Now. Did I travel?"

I was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital. After my wife had gone into labor, a nurse walked into the room and said to the man sitting next to me, "Congratulations, Sir, you are the new father of a twin!" The man replied, "How about that, I work for the doublemint Chewing gum Corp."... The man then followed the nurse to his wife's room. About an hour later, the same nurse entered the room and announced that Mr. Smith's wife has just had Triplets. Mr. Smith stood up, and said, "Well, how do ya like that, I work for the 3M Company". There was another man sitting next to me, got up, and started to leave, when I asked him why he was leaving, he remarked, "I think I need some fresh air." The man continued, "I work for 7-UP"

A young college student wrote home to his family. "Dear mom and dad, I haven't heard from you in nearly a month. Please send check so I'll know you're all right."

My wife and I had just moved into the neighborhood. We received a card from Sears (the camp of the enemy) saying "since you are new in town, would you like to apply for a credit card?" Sure, we decided, filled out the application and returned it. Several weeks later we got a rejection from Sears saying "Sorry, we cannot issue to you a credit card." Reason? "You haven't been in town long enough."

Wilber sits in front of Family Court Judge Frieder and the judge asks
"Do you want to live with your mother?"
Wilber responds, "No ... she beats me."
"Do you want to live with your father."The judge questions
"No ... he beats me too." Wilber states.
Judge Frieder asks, "How about living with you grandparents?"
Wilber declares, "No ... I want to be a Cougar, they don't *beat* anybody!!!!"

One way to take care of the world's population

The IRS has reported the "disappearance" of more than 8 million American children during the late 1980s, "caused" by tax reform legislation. That number is the total of all children claimed as dependents of beneficiaries of child care tax credits before 1987 but who were never again claimed once the IRS started requiring proof that such children existed.

Payment Plan : While on a shopping expedition, I mistakenly handed the salesperson my blood-donor card to pay for one of my purchases. He looked at it and then gave it back, saying "That's all right, lady. We still only want money."

I definitely think we're in trouble.
I just saw an ad for a new movie sequel called...

"The Never-Ending Story 2"

A radical feminist is getting on a bus when, just in front of her, a man gets up from his seat. She thinks to herself, "Here's another man trying to keep up the customs of a patriarchal society by offering a poor, defenseless woman his seat", and she pushes him back onto the seat.
A few minutes later, the man tries to get up again. She is insulted again and refuses to let him up.
Finally, the man says, "Look, lady, you've got to let me get up. I'm two miles past my stop already."

The Lamaze class was in full swing, and the coach was teaching all the women how to breathe properly and the men how to give assurances and whatever else they have to do at this late stage of the game. The teacher then stopped and raised her voice, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"

All was quiet in the room, and finally a man in the back raised his hand. "Yes, " replied the teacher.

"Is it alright if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

My friend has a large German Sheppard.
His neighbor has a rabbit that was the pet of their 9 year old girl.
The neighbor went on vacation with his family for a week. During the vacation, my friend went into his back yard early in the week to check on the dog. What he found was his dog, huddled over a dirty carcass of his neighbor's rabbit.

Mortified that the young girl would hate him forever, he quickly went out and purchased a similar rabbit and put it back in the cage.

When the neighbor's returned, they called my friend over to their house. Reluctantly, he went over as requested, but with a very guilty conscience. When he arrived, he was taken to the rabbit cage, and the father of the girl said, "Look at that!"

My friend casually said.."yea...its a rabbit..so what!"

The father said: "You don't get it, that rabbit died 9 days ago...we buried it in the garden just before we left!"

They had lived together in the backwoods for over fifty years. To celebrate their fiftieth anniversary, he took her to a large city and they checked into a plush hotel.

She said to the bellman, "We refuse to settle for such a small room. No windows, no bed, no fan," she complained.

"But, Madam!"

"Don't `But, Madam' me," she continued. "You can't treat us like we're a couple of fools just because we don't travel much, and we've never been to the big city and never spent the night at a hotel. I'm going to complain to the manager."

"Madam," the bellman said, "this isn't your room; this is the elevator!"

Husband: I hear that fish is good for our brain.
Wife: You had better eat a whale.

Anne: "How long can a person live without brains?"
Billy: "I don't know. How old are you?"

Father: Don't you think our son gets all his brains from me?
Mother: Probably. I still have all mine.

Dan: She's a bright girl...she has brains enough for two.
Jim: Then she's just the girl for you.

My wife is such a bad cook that, when I wake up in the morning, all the roaches have hung themselves on dental floss.

My little nephew was explaining to me that his father's friend was deaf and had to speak with his hands. I asked my nephew how his father's friend shouted in sign language. His reply: "He doesn't have to, he doesn't have any kids."

The scene was a tiny mountain village in a remote section of West Virginia.

An old mountaineer and his young wife were getting a divorce in the local court, but custody of the children was a problem. The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The old mountaineer also wanted custody of the children. The judge asked for his side of the story and, after a long moment of silence, the mountaineer slowly rose from his chair and said, "Your Honor, when I put quarters in a coke machine and a can of coke comes out, does it belong to me or the machine?"